A Legend is Hatched! Bonus: I Vote!
Democracy is a participatory event, which is how I feel about all events where I am not the star.
Note: It appears that my last newsletter, “I Run for Mayor!” was not sent to many subscribers. If you want a diversion while awaiting election results, you can read it by clicking here. If you want even more of a diversion, you can also read about “My Career in Politics!” or “I Meet the Secret Service!” And if you want to prepare for the worst, you can read “My Guide to Protesting”—of “Looking for UFOs.”
It’s Election Day!
I love Election Day. If there is one thing my neighbors can attest to, it’s that I love making my voice heard. And just like America, no one believes in the promise of me more than me.
I thought I would share my experience voting to give all of you—my fans and people I signed up for this newsletter without your consent—something to do as you’re standing in line to vote (you can find your polling place here) or as you wait for election results. Because just like any play or movie where I am not the star, democracy is a participatory event.
And remember: if a star of my caliber can vote, so can you!
9:37am: I leave my apartment building and head to my polling place. I have the same polling place as Barbra Streisand (if she still lived in her New York apartment and didn’t vote by mail).
9:43am: I am standing in a long line for my polling place. People trapped in a long line— what a great opportunity for me!
9:44am: Have been asked to stop singing.
9:45am: Have been asked to stop tap dancing.
9:50am: Have been regaling people with stories of how as a child I was northeast Ohio’s Jewish James Carville and the drama that ensued when I registered to vote and was rejected because I printed the form on the wrong paper weight (Ohio’s Democratic Senator, Sherrod Brown, is in a tight race, and so is Congresswoman Emilia Sykes who represents my hometown of Akron, Ohio, and you can sign up to do some Election Day phone banking, here.)
9:52am: I got distracted by a pigeon.
9:55am: Am wondering where the bake sale is.
9:57am: Have been asked to stop reenacting scenes from The West Wing. (If you’re anxiously awaiting whether there’s going to be a more positive vision of America, you can do some last-minute phone banking for Kamala, here.)
10:00am: Am still wondering where the bake sale is. Does this line not offer room service? (you can send pizza to people waiting in long lines to vote here.)
10:02am: Oh, the pigeon is back!
10:05am: Have made it inside my polling place! I brought a lot of pens with me because I wanted to be prepared for signing autographs and have just learned that polling places don’t like it when you enter with a lot of pens.
10:07am: In lieu of ID, I brought a printout of my IMDb page, which I forged this morning. I am told this is unnecessary as New York does not require IDs to vote and “no one has ever heard of any of these movies.” (New York doesn’t require ID, but your state might, so double check before heading out to vote!)
10:08am: The poll worker presented me with the voter roll, and I signed my autograph. They said it was an affidavit. I say dissent is patriotic.
10:10am: I am handed my ballot and told to wait for a privacy booth to become available. I say, “I’m wearing a Barbra Streisand t-shirt, who are we kidding?”
10:11am: I sit down on the floor and fill out fill out my ballot for Kamala.
10:15am: I get a sticker.
