A Legend is Hatched! My Career in Politics!

As Bernadette Peters said to Steve Martin in The Jerk, “It’s not the money, it’s the stuff.”

A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and the Birthday Special.

As a child, I had an illustrious career in Ohio politics. I was a child full of dreams and schemes against my enemies.  Politics was a great fit for me as it allowed me to indulge in both my hyper competitive instincts and my preference for the sedentary lifestyle. Why run on a soccer field when you can recline on leopard print? How great to be able to win at something while maintaining a lounging posture! As a Jewess, I got my exercise from gesticulating.

My own mind was truly an amazement to me. I could opine on issues both domestic and international, as I had a true passion for hearing myself talk.  I worked to develop my oratory style by copying the most stylish speakers I knew:  Frans, Lebowitz and Drescher  (my voice stayed very distinct as a cross between a young Truman Capote and an extra in a Drew Barrymore movie). As Henry Kissinger said, “Everyone is entitled to my opinion.”

My career in politics started early. From the time I could walk, which I did quite late, I was a staple on the pro-choice picket lines.  I always positioned myself in the front, since I knew that’s where the TV cameras would be. While the protesters chanted, I performed my musical numbers (self-taught). I would be the change I wanted to see in the world. With full choreography (also self-taught)!  As Bernadette Peters said to Steve Martin in The Jerk, “It’s not the money, it’s the stuff.”

I was also a staple on the political fundraiser circuit.  I’ve met one President and two people who won the popular vote. I was a very popular guest, as I was not popular with babysitters and the fundraising parties were often at my house. I’d make my way out of my bedroom, slip through the hallway door that my mother had shut to keep the two very enthusiastic German Shepherds at bay, and take my position by the front door.  I’ve always been great at parties because I love both a captive audience and a passed hors d’oeuvre. 

I have never been so aided by the calendar as the placement of Halloween before Election Day. It was my time to shine—and not just because one of my earliest career ambitions was witch (an ambition I am proud to say I have attained!).  At one fundraiser,  (presumably in 1996), I overdubbed that classic song “Yakety-Yak” to “Yakety-Yak, Bob Dole said that” with accompanying imagery of Bob Dole as a zombie.  At another, I prepared multiple sketches. One was called “I Love Loosely” about a Morticia and Gomez Addams type who were having marital difficulties.  One of my centerpiece numbers was “Crime of the Century” which, naturally, I assumed was from a musical comedy about an OJ Simpson-like trial. The message seemed really right for politics.

I made a habit out of pitching myself to be in campaign commercials. However, no one ever took me up on the offer. I’d like to thank all of these people for understanding that I was a true artist, and I didn’t do commercials. For free.  Ah, foiled by my own artistry once again!

Never one to believe in boundaries or compartmentalization, from the time I was in kindergarten, I made my political opinions known at school. In kindergarten, I gave a speech on sexism. In the third grade, I staged my first major protest. It was against a substitute teacher who refused to teach about the Democratic presidents because she “didn’t like them.” As I wrote in my sixth grade autobiography, “Ms. Mungo[sic] was extremely far right and it was pretty obvious… [she stopped the protest] and demanded we get inside. We went in and she demanded an apology. I stood up in front of the class and said, no, she owed us one. ” Always a savvy negotiator, the school and I found it mutually agreeable when I was absent for at least 50% of the school days of any given year. As I told my ex-therapist, it’s important to have boundaries.

My first and only attempt at running for office was when I ran for middle school student body President. I am proud to say this led to the school’s first political scandal. During the primary, one of the teacher’s threw away a number of ballots that were votes for me. They were later found in the trashcan in her classroom.  All I can say is if I had been elected President, I would have known to dispose of the trash.

In high school, I founded my school’s branch of the High School Democrats. The school was very opposed to this and suggested that, instead, the club be a politics club where everyone kept their opinions to themselves. It was because of mishegoss like this that I am so adept at navigating places like country clubs. Armed with nothing but my copy of Barbra Streisand’s Artist as Citizen speech (delivered at Harvard University), I stormed into the head of the school’s office and said, “We will have our own chapter of the High School Young Democrats!” And thus the high school’s Young Democrats was born.  As Fran Drescher said, “Barbra Streisand is God’s gift to all little Jewish girls in search of a leader” and as Fran Lebowitz said, “Holding grudges is the modern equivalent of having standards.”

It was also as a high school student that I had my first starring role in a political operation. I was an intern in the district office of Congressman Sherrod Brown (he’s now a Senator, but what can I say, I’ve always been known for my humility).  And ah, how I remember what I wore well!  I also starred in the sequel in the DC office.  You have probably heard that saying, “Washington is Hollywood for ugly people.” But I like to say, “Home is where the Hollywood is.” These were the years when anthrax was very big. Oh, it was simply marvelous! I kept notes on everything because I’ve always known I would write my memoirs and that they should be genre defying and at least $35 hardcover.  

But lest people think my political life was limited to hobnobbing at fundraisers and prancing around the marble halls of Congress, I got out there and talked to what the New York Times calls, “the real people.” In Ohio, the local people put in charge of campaigns are almost always a child of a deputy mayor and/or a conspiracy theorist. Never one to let rank stop me, I quickly took over while the child of the deputy mayor and/or conspiracy theorist gossiped. Luckily, I am a great multitasker and can both lead and listen—and mentally record all information that could be used to give my future memoir local color.

I did a lot of handing out campaign literature at exotic places like county fairs.  I would attract people to our booth by yelling, “Barbra Streisand is doing it!” I was a regular Jewish James Carville! However, when it came to the events that involved riding around in the back of a pickup truck, I knew it was time to go home. We all have lines we won’t cross and mine was open-air vehicles. My hair requires careful monitoring of velocity.

There was truly no place like Ohio during a Presidential election! Every four years, I still get homesick for it. One year, an organization decided to bring a busload of celebrities to Ohio to help campaign for Democratic candidates. Finally, people I could relate to! What better way to reach Ohio voters than with actors, one of whom brought her dog. And what could Hollywood actors love more than riding around on a bus counting the strip malls! I used it for inspiration for a screenplay—a madcap romantic comedy, which is still available to option (please call my agent, we have the same phone number).

Politics wasn’t for me though. Because if there is one thing I have, it’s a lack of boundaries. And if there are two things I have, it’s a lack of boundaries and self-knowledge. And I know I could never be President. I’m just too ambitious.

Hail myself, 

Victoria 

Status Report:

Am I famous yet?  Still no.

Do I have my own television show yet? No, and what are you,  dear reader, going to about it? 

Is this really happening? Yes

Footnotes:

Henry Kissinger did not say, “Everyone has a right to my opinion.” Madonna said, “Everyone had a right to my opinion.”

The one President I’ve met is Bill Clinton. The two people I’ve met who have won the popular vote are Al Gore and Hillary Clinton.

One time at a party, the my mother’s German Shepherds jumped up and pressed the lock on the hallway door and my mother had to climb through a bedroom window to get the door unlocked. This was exactly the type of diversion I needed!

(My mother has recently acquired a Corgi puppy named Morty. Morty is now on instagram and I am his social media manager. He is failing out of puppy school, and is pursuing stardom. You may follow him here.)

“Crime of the Century” is a song from the musical Ragtime. No one can imagine my shock upon learning that it was not a musical comedy.

My sixth grade autobiography is a real document. It is also true that my school attendance rate hovered around 50%.

A teacher in the seventh grade did fix the votes in an election so I wouldn’t win. It is amazing that my high self-esteem survived this incident.

Barbra Streisand’s Artist as Citizen speech can be read here.

A number of students, including those on student government, supported the founding of the school’s High School Democrats chapter and helped to overrule the school’s administration. A week later, the High School Republicans was founded with no trouble from the school.

When I interned in DC, we were evacuated a number of times because of possible anthrax.

James Carville was the political operative behind the Clinton campaign and most famous for saying “change vs. more of the same; it’s the economy, stupid; and don’t forget healthcare” and for appearing on the Steven Soderbergh HBO series K-Street.

One year at a performing arts summer camp, a casting director for The West Wing came to audition girls to be an episode where the Bartlet campaign gets stuck in Ohio, I was cut for not looking like someone from Ohio.

The organization that brought famous people to Ohio was called Bring Ohio Back. Some of the famous people who came to Ohio included Martin Sheen, Kevin Bacon, Hillary Swank (with her dog), and Julianna Margulies. For a while, the main image on the Bring Ohio Back website was a photo of Julianna and me. Two nice Jewish girls.

Lastly, a serious note about Ohio politics. Over the last decade, Ohio has gotten less and less attention from the national media. Traditionally, it has been considered a swing seat, but in recent years, it’s been considered a lost cause. A lot of that is because of gerrymandering and infringements on voting rights. There have also been numerous attacks on abortion rights in the state. Point being, Ohio could use your attention and support. If you’d like more info on this, please let me know. Naturally, the state would get much more attention if I was famous.