A Legend is Hatched! Birthday Special!
It's almost my birthday, and I am over-privileged and under-boundaried!
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and eight.
Like most people I, too, have a birthday. And like most people’s birthdays mine, too, falls on the same day every year. My birthday is September 5th. You can remember that since September 5th is the day I was born.
My birthday’s continuing proximity to Labor Day is confusing as I do not believe in labor. My job—or as I like to say my métier—is being a Famous Person. And being famous is not a labor; it is an entitlement.
I am a Virgo, although I do not identify as such as I have none of the Virgo characteristics other than extreme stubbornness. At some point I might choose to identify as one, but only if the lighting is right.
When one is as famous in their own mind as I am, it is natural that one will have to deal with a number of challenges. One such challenge is people believing things about you that are not true. The other night, as I was sitting on the chaise lounge and untangling my jewelry, I realized that many of you—my fans/people-I-signed-up-for–this-newsletter-without-your-consent— probably believe that my birthday is a magical day full of celebration where I am bathed in praise and material goods. This is absolutely false!
My birthday is always an extreme disappointment. On birthdays there is the expectation that one will receive a great deal of attention, and, while confounding expectations is one of the things I most enjoy, lack of attention is not. You see, rather than celebrated on the day of my birth, I find myself ignored. Some years, I am so ignored that the only logical explanation I can think of is that everyone is busy planning a surprise party for me.
People come up with many excuses for not celebrating my birthday in the proper fashion. Things like: because I have “misunderstood the nature of this relationship;” or because knowing me is “no longer advantages to their career”, especially “after that incident;’” or because they “accidentally ended up in Indiana.” Luckily, one of my greatest qualities is to remain impervious to people not answering my communiqués.
I am not asking for much. I am really just a simple girl, with extremely heightened taste in both the tasteful and the tasteless, and all I am looking for is lots and lots and lots of attention.
My quest for attention and applause is intrinsic to my very being. When I was five, I demanded that the class play (something the school did not have) be Sister Act, based on the motion picture, that I would not only adapt but would star in as Sister Mary Clarence. When I was nine, I demanded financing for The OJ Simpson Trial: The Musical, which I co-wrote and would star in as Marcia Clark. When I was twelve, I demanded studio interest in my first screenplay, a story loosely inspired by Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but with the added character of a twelve year old girl, who I would not only play, but who was named after me, Victoria. On a report card, a teacher once wrote that I needed to get better at hiding my displeasure when anyone else in the class, besides me, was called on and allowed to speak. I was in high school when this happened. I am proud to report that I have remained true to myself and not changed at all.
The lack of attention I get on my birthday is a true tragedy. Every year, I am forced to go to Bergdorf’s and lie down to fix my equilibrium. As usual, I have to do everything myself.
Luckily, I am over-privileged and under-boundaried! Thus, I have no qualms in sharing with all of you, my fans/people-I-signed-up-for-this-newsletter-without –your-consent, my demand for endless attention, applause, and acclaim!
Remember my favorite color is diamonds. And my favorite cake is the one that has “congratulations on the success of your TV show” written on it in pink icing.
As Elizabeth Taylor said, “we all have to participate in our own downfalls.”
Awaiting praise,
Victoria
P.S. It is always a great time to re-read past issues of my newsletter, but I’d be remiss if I did not point out how prescient my issue on Emergency Preparedness was. You may re-read it here. As I always say, “après moi, le deluge.”
P.P.S. This year my birthday also falls very close to the Jewish New Year. Thus, I ask all of you, my fans/people-I-signed-up-for-this-newsletter-without: what greater sign do you need that this is the year to pitch in and help me fulfill my destiny of having my own TV show?