A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read Chapter One here.
As it states in my official biography, one thing that is widely known about me—as I keep telling it to people—is that I would make an excellent spy. I am also Jewish. Thus, if there is one absolute truth, it is that I look terrific in a fur coat and sunglasses. If there are two, it’s that I am always prepared for any and all emergencies.
In this, the time we live in, it is very important to be prepared for a wide range of emergencies. There are two basic human responses to harmful situations: fight or flight. Which one you choose depends on whether or not there are seats in first class.
There are many reasons why one might have to get out of town quickly: weather, coups, a nemesis getting your address, and so on. For this reason, it is a good idea to have access to a car and to know how to drive it. There are certain situations, particularly those involving a nemesis, where you might have to drive a car that you are not accustomed to driving, and so it is also wise to know how to drive a stick shift. This is especially useful in Europe.
As Manhattan is an island, it is also a good idea to invest in a yacht. If you cannot afford a yacht, it is a good idea to invest in a friendship with someone who does own a yacht.
Sometimes, when one flees, one might have to do so in disguise. In these cases I recommend pretending to be a countess or minor member of a royal family as this disguise will allow you to navigate out of almost any situation. It can also be used to make restaurant reservations. For a guide to the upper class European accent look to Ginger Rogers in the films Roberta and Once Upon a Honeymoon. I like to think of this accent as originating in the same country that is the setting of the classic Fran Drescher film The Beautician and the Beast.
There really is no end to what we can learn from film and television and the situations where those lessons are applicable. The classic film Sister Act was a very formative experience for me as, at the age of five, it showed me two things: that my career path should include being a nightclub singer in Las Vegas (the movie is set in Reno, but even at the tender age of five I had a strong sense of aesthetic) and how to run from the mafia.
Musical numbers make great diversions.
It is always a good idea to pre-think things. One thing it’s a good idea to pre-think is what supplies you should take with you when you flee. Some people call this a “go bag.” Some people do not call those people.
Important emergency supplies for fleeing: passport, jewelry, supplies for the cat, The Cat, matzo ball soup, cash in different denominations and currencies, fruit snacks, hairspray, pepper spray, Bergdorf’s commemorative Christmas ornament, things to bribe people with (cash, alcohol, bubbles).
A Pre-Thinking Exercise, for those homeschooling: You have to leave New York City quickly because a Russian spy has found out your address and there is also a hurricane heading towards Manhattan. After putting important things in the car like The Cat and jewelry, you have room for an extra person, which of your friends gets the extra seat? If they have procured another means of flight, who is your replacement friend? This is another reason why it is always a good idea to keep a running ranking of all of your friends.
It is wise to make sure you have all of your emergency contacts programmed into your phone. This should include a lawyer and a banker and a therapist. I have these labeled in my phone as Lawyer and Money and Inheritance, respectively, for ease of use.
It is a good idea to invest in a foreign property. Villas and chateaus will always give your exile a true sense of charm. However, if your foreign property is in France or Italy it is best to buy one on the Swiss boarder as, historically, that has proved useful.
The Cat’s Emergency Supplies for Any Situation
Velvet cushion
Mirror
Book on Elizabeth Taylor’s jewelry
Hairspray
Tinfoil
Monogramed food and water dish
In some emergencies, rather than fleeing, it will be important to shelter in place. These types of emergencies include weather and plague related, as well as coup related. You will notice these emergencies are very similar to emergencies where one might want to flee.
If you are interested in building your own fallout, bomb, or general use enclosed shelter, a good place to turn for inspiration is the Savoy Hotel in London. They had a very nice bomb shelter during the war that had both a band and maid service. I learned this from a documentary on The Savoy, which was on PBS, which I watched. Once, Manhattan had a nuclear fallout shelter on every corner. Most of these are now laundry rooms. This is helpful to no one.
It is a good idea to make sure your apartment is prepared for an emergency. Emergency supplies should include non-perishable food, water, batteries, flashlights, first aid kit, and hairspray. You might think caviar is a good emergency supply since it is tinned and can be scooped with potato chips. However, it requires refrigeration, which can prove problematic in the event of a power outage.
A few months ago there was a tornado warning in Manhattan. Traditionally, during a tornado warning, one is supposed to go to a basement. However, in an apartment building, there might be neighbors in your basement. If there are people in your basement and your basement is not at the Savoy, another option is to go to an interior room with no windows. It is a good idea to make sure your coat closet has Wi-Fi and snacks. Coat closest can be dark, so be sure to talk loudly in them.
There are many things you can do when sheltering in place. If you have a piano, a good use of time is to learn to play it. This will be nice for your neighbors as well. You might want to place a tip jar outside of your door. This time can also be a great opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream of learning to tap dance.
If you live in Florida, I don’t know what to tell you other than I think that’s what my therapist calls a self-fulfilling prophecy.
No matter what your emergency, you will want the proper hairstyle for it. My default hairstyle for all engagements is Flirting with Disaster, so I am always prepared. It is a good idea to make an appointment with a hairstylist prior to your emergency.
It is also a nice idea to make a playlist for various types of emergencies.
The biggest emergency of all is not getting enough attention. I have yet to discover a solution for this problem.
Happy belated Holocaust Remembrance Day,
Victoria
Status Report:
Am I famous yet? No.
Do I have my own television show yet? No.
Is this really happening? Yes.
Footnotes:
Roberta (1935) is the third film starring Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.
Once Upon a Honeymoon is a 1942 film starring Ginger Rogers and Cary Grant. A dark comedy, it was one of the few Hollywood films made during World War II that dealt with the Nazis, and features a brief scene in (a sanitized version of) a concentration camp.
The Beautician and the Beast is a 1997 film set in Slovetzia where the official language is Slovetzian.
Sister Act is a 1992 film starring Whoopi Goldberg, whose autographed photo was one of my prized possessions as a child.
Examples of past hairstyles include “Russian émigré who has made it big in Manhattan while still mourning the old world, and is beginning to think that the early 1970s might prove a good time to start a variety show or become a spy or both” and “socialite who has taken too many quaaludes and will later be found running through Central Park and then sent off to Switzerland.”
No one knows what Florida is.
