A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat.
One time as a child, for no particular reason, I found myself slightly east of Siberia with an ex-CIA agent, a reluctant socialite, and a former nun. Early in the morning, awake from jetlag, I would lie in bed in my wooden cabin, and alternate between watching Sex and the City on a portable DVD player and planning my future cabaret show. I was always finding myself slightly east of somewhere.
As you can see, that path has led directly to this newsletter chronicling my rise to international fame and the exciting, glamorous, and aspirational lifestyle led by my Cat. As Elizabeth Taylor said, “We all have to participate in our own downfalls.”
I was born in the Midwest, in Akron, Ohio, which has, historically, been known as the home of rubber manufacturing. My earliest memory is when, at the age of three, I saw my first episode of I Love Lucy. I looked at the television and I thought, “Finally, a moral framework for my life.” One of the things that is very widely known about me, as I keep telling it to people, is that I would make an excellent spy.
My Cat is a native New Yorker.
The Cat and I currently live in the West Village. Imagine us in my apartment decorated in the Aunty Mame House of Horrors style; a style that was all the rage in New York City, London, and Duluth, Montana in the late 1920s, and had a brief resurgence in popularity in 1955 and 1968. As Stalin said, “Hello, nice of you to drop by.”
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Victoria’s Caviar Recipe
Step One: Buy caviar. I buy my caviar from Petrossian where they throw in the blinis for free, if you don’t bother to look at the receipt. A good alternative to blinis are potato chips.
Step Two: Open caviar tin. This can be tricky!
Step Three: Put caviar on blinis using caviar spoon.
Prep Time: 2 to 30 minutes depending on how long it takes you to open the tin.
This caviar recipe will make an excellent addition to anyone’s next celebration. It is sure to be beloved by all and does not involve any complicated kitchen maneuvers like clearing off shopping bags, mail, and other debris that has gathered on one’s stove—or stirring.
I made this recipe for Christmas Eve dinner, and since it was a holiday, I had my meal in bed on a tray. Normally, I eat my meals in bed on a hardback copy of Cher’s 1998 memoir The First Time.
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I love nostalgia since thinking about myself is one of my favorite things to do. The only reason I kept a journal as a child is so later I’d have something to read where I was the main character. My therapist says this is the kind of joke that some people might find “off-putting.” To which I say, “What joke?”
Things I Accomplished in 2020
Bought napkins with Elizabeth Taylor’s face on them.
Bought sequined turban
Re-watched all of The X-Files
Learned to poach an egg
Bought life size ceramic leopard
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The holidays may be over, but it is never too early to start thinking about one of my favorite holiday traditions: holiday cards. You can send one card or send multiple cards, as sending multiple cards is a great way to categorize your friends and send one card to the A group, another to the B group, and so on.
One way to make your cards stand out is to give them a timely and festive theme. It can be hard to pick a theme and this requires much thought. For example, in the past The Cat and I have given much consideration to “Putin on the Ritz” as our card theme, and it has never quite passed the grade (although, according to this New York Times article, it will be a theme we can debate for years to come).
This year, The Cat and I went with one card and the theme of “The Ghost of Princess Margaret.” The runner-up card theme was “Inspirational Fran Lebowitz Quotes.” Such as:
“Holding grudges is the modern equivalent of having standards.”
And
“Why am I peeling this cucumber? Why am I not in a restaurant, where they know how to peel a cucumber, and where I am not doing it?”
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If you want to bring more joy and a moral framework to your life, I highly recommend the new docuseries about Fran Lebowitz, Pretend It’s a City. I had planned to watch the first episode the night it was released, but, due to current events, it took me a few days to get watch it. Can you believe that a bunch of people carrying Nazi flags were trying to wreck Fran Lebowitz release weekend for me? Well, that has always quite literally been the point of people carrying Nazi flags.
One of the hidden gems of Pretend It’s a City is its liberal use of the Carousel overture. A true dream realized for every WASPy man who has ever directed Carousel! Please look out for my forthcoming essay, “Fran Lebowitz and The Carousel Waltz, blow high blow low: a modern soliloquy.”
Between Fran Lebowitz and The Crown, finally there are television programs with characters I can relate to!
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One wall in the library/dining room of my apartment is lined with books, since it’s always good to have an element of surprise in any space. My favorite genres of literature are Rich People, Famous People, and Nervous Breakdown. My only academic interests are the Holocaust and movie musicals. If there is one thing I’m prepared for, it’s to respond to calls of “unity” with a joke about Unity Mitford.
The Best Books I Read in 2020
Best Novel of 2020: Weather by Jenny Offill and Luster by Raven Leilani
Best Nonfiction of 2020: Vesper Flights by Helen MacDonald
Best Nonfiction not from 2020, but that I read in 2020: Searching for Zion by Emily Raboteau
Best Short Story Collection of 2020: To Be a Man by Nicole Krauss
Best Older Novel by an Under-Appreciated Female Author: World Without End by Francine du Plessix Gray
Best Classic Novel that Certain Corners of the Internet Tell Me I Shouldn't Like Because I'm a Girl: The Ghost Writer by Philip Roth
Best Saga: The Cazalet Chronicles by Elizabeth Jane Howard
The Best Books I Read in 2019 (bonus content!)
Best Novel of 2019: Lost Children Archive by Valeria Luiselli
Best Novel of 2018, but That I Heard About in 2019: Severanceby Ling Ma
Best Nonfiction (term used loosely) of 2019: Screen Tests by Kate Zambreno
Best Book I Read because of the Author Dying and I Don't Understand Why I Had Not Heard of Her Before: Lovers and Tyrants by Francine Du Plessix Gray
Best Book That is Not At All New but Was New To Me: Sleepless Nights by Elizabeth Hardwick
Book That I Most Related To: A biography of Judy Garland.
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My cat is an inspiring figure for our time and by studying her lifestyle we all can learn to live happier and more fulfilling lives.
My Cat’s Day, or thing The Cat did yesterday, today, and tomorrow
Watched Pigeons (a television show produced by The Cat and broadcast on Window Ledge)
Took mid-morning nap
Received rewarded waking up from nap
Got distracted by a reflective object
Had a photoshoot
Aborted photoshoot when demands were not met
Received reward for staying awake for two hours
Successfully invaded pajama drawer
Napped in pajama drawer
Got stuck in pajama drawer
Successfully rescued from pajama drawer
Thought about the nature of time and linear narrative
Talked to self
Took pre-dinner nap
Rearranged food on dinner plate
Watched black and white film
Took evening nap
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The last few weeks have been difficult for many and so I’d like to leave you with the following thought: leopard print is a neutral.
You’re welcome and tally-ho,
Victoria
Status Report:
Am I famous yet? No.
Do I have my own television show yet? No.
Is this really happening? Yes.
Footnotes:
Sophisticated boom-boom is a phrase from Tina Brown’s The Vanity Fair Diaries.
Nuisance in the Lobby is a line from Eloise by Kay Thompson.
Cher’s memoir is real.
A woman has never directed a production of Carousel on Broadway. However, after seeing the last revival I thought to myself, “I could have directed that better,” so maybe it was a feminist production after all.
Unity Mitford was a British socialite who became a great friend and supporter of Hitler and Nazism.
