A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, and five.
I am from Ohio, a state that once set its own lake on fire and where Dennis Kucinich is, somehow, still running around. Specifically, I am from Akron, which is known for rubber manufacturing. Yes, a truly auspicious place to be born! And, yet, from an early age, I knew I was destined for greater things and places. “Where do I belong?” I’d ask, aged three, to my doll, also named Victoria.
Luckily, fate soon brought me the answer! One day, while in a grocery store parking lot, I saw a bearded man holding a homemade cardboard sign that read “Jews Control Hollywood.” And even as I rejected the literal nature of this event, I looked at that piece of cardboard, and as clouds slowly swallowed up the radio tower of the Evangelical mega church in the distance, I knew that there was no greater sign. When I got home, I sat in front of the warm glow of the television and the light from the screen formed a golden halo around my head—just like Jesus (also a Jew)—and I knew that I was meant to go to Hollywood.
This was confirmed a few weeks later when a child in my preschool class told me I wasn’t allowed to play with any of the other children because I was Jewish and, therefore, evil. “Yes,” I thought to myself, “California, here I come.”
Yet, to California I did not go, since when I attempted to walk there, I only made it as far as the end of the driveway, proving, once and for all, that the only way to travel is first class on an airplane with two Xanax and a martini. Thus, I had to stay in Ohio a bit longer.
I used this time to prepare. I studied all the important things. I memorized every I Love Lucy episode; I did impressions of that television classic Married with Children; and I transcribed all the lines from my most favorite movie, Sister Act, in the hopes that I could star as Sister Mary Clarence. Luckily, I also had consistent external validation to keep me on my path to California and my destiny of controlling Hollywood!
One balmy Ohio summer, as I performed my sketch comedy show for the other campers at my day camp, a group of strange adults suddenly appeared. I made the natural assumption that word of my act had gotten around town and my audience was growing. However, this appeared not to be the case. Instead, pamphlets were handed out. Pamphlets that said Jews were the cause of all the evil in the world. And that anyone who had an abortion would burn in hell. This was the early ‘90s so there were very mixed messages about women and ambition. I was appalled, but I already knew that this is what was called “material.”
As I got older, in lieu of traditional school, I spent my days watching old TV shows on TVLand and learning about pacing, line readings, sight gags, and multicolored wigs. This was the education I needed! [Hold for laughs]. But when I was in the fifth grade I was forced to attend school for enough consecutive days to know what was going on in the classroom. And what was going on in the classroom wasn’t good. One student was a big fan of Hitler. The entire grade was reading a book where the main character espoused antisemitic tropes—or “truths” according to the teacher. The school didn’t feel the need to address any of this. After all, “was it really so bad?” the school asked. Besides, wasn’t I “barely Jewish”? Didn’t I want to be “not like other Jews,” but “a cool Jew”?
I once read that playwright Wendy Wasserstein based a villainous character in one of her plays on Harvey Weinstein after he insulted her at a dinner party. An antisemitic teacher once announced to a class I was in that vengeance “wasn’t a New Testament value.” Well, Wendy Wasserstein was Jewish and so am I, and I think vengeance is really terrific.
I recruited my friend Andrew (the other Jewish kid in my class) to help me make a video about antisemitism that we would screen (a term I learned after I got myself a subscription to Variety) for the entire grade. In the video we explained what antisemitism was and why it was wrong. This was interspersed with anecdotes about Cher—I had an image to uphold and, if there was one thing I’d learned from my hours of studying television, it was that all problems are best addressed with comedic bits and musical numbers (The Sonny and Cher Show was a post-modern comedic masterpiece). The inclusion of Cher was, no doubt, prescient as it would still be a few years before she starred in the film Tea with Mussolini.
This was also the year that WWJD bracelets became very popular. I was curious about these bracelets that everyone was wearing and, after some investigation, I found out they stood for “What Would Jesus Do?” By this time, a number of Ohio residents had already informed me that what Jesus wanted me to do was burn in hell or an oven and/or go to Hollywood and produce delightful entertainment that furthered a liberal agenda. Once again, I recruited Andrew to make our own versions of these bracelets that we would sell to fundraise our exodus to Hollywood. They featured such slogans as “What Would Lucy Do?” (as in Ball or Ricardo); “What Would Whoopi Do?” (as in Goldberg), and “What Would Roseanne Do?” (as in did not age well). Unfortunately none of the bracelets sold.
And, so, my journey to Hollywood continues! Might you ask yourself, “If Jews control Hollywood, why is Victoria not famous?” Yes, you might. And you should. But I’m very pleased to announce that I soon plan to pitch my film—which I will write, direct, and star in—called Jews Eating Sushi in LA: a madcap action adventure!
After all, everyone knows being accused of antisemitism is very serious and has huge consequences. Just ask Mel Gibson. You can find him at the Academy Awards.
Gesundheit,
Victoria
Status Report:
Am I famous yet? No.
Do I have my own television show yet? No.
Is this really happening? Yes
Footnotes:
I thought people saying “Jews control Hollywood” was a compliment until I was sixteen.
Lake Eerie and the Cuyahoga River caught fire, most notably, in 1969 due to industrial waste being dumped into the river.
Dennis Kucinich was mayor of Cleveland in the 70s, a congressman, and repeatedly ran for President. He is a self-made satire. He might be running for mayor of Cleveland, again.
There was a very large radio tower, on the outskirts of Akron, which belonged to one of the local churches. After a bit of googling, I did not get the answer to which specific church it belonged to (there were many to choose from!) so I amalgamated. To me, it always resembled a sniper tower and I was always nervous to drive by it. Once I got my drivers license, I would drive around the parking lot of the far right Christian craft store (also amalgamated) with my windows rolled down blasting Barbra Streisand. I tell you these things, to paraphrase Joan Didion, so you know who you are reading.
The Wendy Wasserstein play with a character based on Harvey Weinstein is Old Money, which premiered at Lincoln Center in 2000. A couple of years ago, I tried to get The New York Times to let me write about this play for no reason other than I though my vengeance joke was hilarious. Luckily, all of you have now gotten a chance to read my joke, which works out well for everyone but the Times. Wendy Wasserstein is also the screenwriter of one of my favorite movies, The Object of My Affection.
The Talmud is not big on vengeance. There’s a West Wing episode about this (“Take this Sabbath Day”).
The Sonny and Cher Show (in all it’s iterations) is truly a post-modern comedic masterpiece. And my inspiration for wanting to bring back the variety show.
Tea with Mussolini is a 1999 film directed by Franco Zeffirelli and starring Cher. It is not available to stream.
Roseanne had a very popular and groundbreaking television show on ABC from 1988 to 1997. The show was one of the most liberal and, at times, controversial on television. Roseanne and Hollywood had a difficult relationship. Later, she moved to Hawaii and started a macadamia farm and ran for President. She also became quite racist. Ryan Murphy is probably thinking of doing a limited series about her.
In May, a group of Jews were attacked while eating outside at a sushi restaurant in LA. This was part of a recent wave of attacks against Jews in the US.
“If Jews control Hollywood, why am I not famous?” if anyone has an answer to this, please let me know. Better yet, if anyone would like to rectify this, please get in touch. I do not think I’m being subtle here and, I must say, I am feeling very unheard.
