A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, and four.
Over the last few weeks, I have been in deep distress over the fact that I am not getting the credit I deserve for being the biggest monster in show business. I have dreamed of being the biggest monster in show business since I was a small child, wearing pink plastic sunglasses, and having tea parties with my dolls where I’d practice saying, “you’ll never eat lunch in this town again.” And yet it appears that this is yet another dream that has been crushed by the “real” world. Naturally, the cause is sexism.
A person works very hard to establish a reputation. And, yet, sometimes, no matter how hard you have worked, someone comes along and upstages you. One day you’re wearing a feather boa and screaming into a pink princess phone while you—and your cat—are reclined in a bed made of pink silk, and the next day you’re staring into space in disbelief that someone has become infamous for throwing potatoes at people and that someone isn’t you. And then, to add insult to injury, the only person to benefit from this is Dan Quayle, who no longer can claim the most publicly embarrassing potato-based incident.
There is a lot of competition in the show business monster area. It is hard to stand out. However, I would like to present some evidence to show that I am indeed the biggest show business monster of them all.
From The New York Times, July 9th, 2009
A street in the theater district had to be closed down for hours today when a local woman, Victoria Myers, caused a public nuisance. Ms. Myers had rented 27 inflatable swimming pools, which she lined up on 45th Street between Broadway and 8th Avenue. Ms. Myers, dressed in a Pucci robe, oversized sunglasses, and water wings then proceed to spend the afternoon hopping from one pool to the other and jumping out to scare people. Examples of her scare tactics included demanding people bring her Diet Coke in a glass bottle—only a glass bottle!—and demanding that they buy tickets to her upcoming cabaret show. After being apprehended, she said she was inspired by the Loch Ness Monster. When told that she had to remove the inflatable pools, she inquired if anyone knew where she could get a pair of stilts and an extra long fur coat.
From The New York Times, September 17th, 2012
Panic was caused in midtown Manhattan today when a tourist from Idaho reported seeing what appeared to be an alien on the roof of the Shubert Theater. After initially being dismissed, numerous similar reports of aliens followed by tourists from Iowa, Illinois, and North Dakota. After a woman from the Upper East Side, who was in the theater district after falling asleep in the back of her town car, reported seeing an alien, authorities finally arrived on the scene where a small crowd* had gathered. One person pointed towards a small “craft” that was parked on the roof of the theater. On closer inspection, it appeared to be a number of Bergdorf’s’ shopping bags** taped together into the shape of a space ship. The “alien” turned out to be Ms. Myers dressed in a green leotard and tinfoil.
*A few days after publication we received this clarification from Ms. Myers: “it was a large crowd. Very large.”
** We also received the following from Bergdorf’s PR department: “We had no knowledge nor do we condone this activity.” It was accompanied by a post-it note that read, “Please keep this note on file and reuse for all activity concerning Ms. Myers.”
***
As you can see, I have taken art to the next level. Being very, very literal. Because I am a true visionary.
***
There was also this recent report, but I am still confused as to what the problem was here.
From The New York Times, June 14th, 2020
Ms. Myers is reported to have once made an assistant take over 5,017 photos of her cat in one day. Ms. Myers said she was confused as to why the assistant complained, as she believed that this was a reward.
It is confusing, isn’t it?
***
But my reputation as a show business monster goes back years.
Local Grocery Store Forced to Shut Down for Hours Due to Child Menace
From The Akron Beacon Journal. April 11th, 1989
A local grocery store, West Point Market, was forced to close for hours today, when a young child caused on ongoing disturbance. The child has been identified as Victoria Myers who is three and a half years old and a resident of Akron. Ms. Myers escaped her parental guardian and ran around the store forcing people to watch her sing and tap dance. After continually changing her location, Ms. Myers finally settled in the fish department as she claimed it had especially good acoustics. It was there that she set out a Polly Pocket Starlight Castle to be used as a tip jar and then proceeded to sing a medley of show tunes very loudly and tap dance, only stopping to clarify that she had created the choreography herself. She created such a commotion that West Point Market had to be closed down to which Ms. Myers commented, “I stopped the show.”
***
As you can see, I am a true show business monster to my core!
“But, Victoria, you are not a producer,” you may say. To which I say, you say potato…
It is, of course, inappropriate to joke about these things. It is best to just stick to joking about the Holocaust.
Onwards,
Victoria
Status Report:
Am I famous yet? No.
Do I have my own television show yet? No.
Is this really happening? Yes
Footnotes:
A recent article in The Hollywood Reporter detailed Scott Rudin once throwing a baked potato at an assistant.
Dan Quayle was once Vice President of the United States and was most well known for misspelling the word “potato” and for saying that the television show Murphy Brown was ruining society. Proving once again, that in America, it can always get more absurd.
There is an I Love Lucy episode (“Lucy is Envious”) where Lucy and Ethel get a job pretending to be aliens who have landed on top of the Empire State Building in order to promote a movie, and instead cause mass panic in Manhattan. I Love Lucy is the foundation for all of my thinking.
I did used to tap dance and sing at the local grocery store. But I’m pretty sure people loved it and it was, in fact, beneficial to the store. And, yes, I did do my own choreography.
The most famous producers are, of course, from Mel Brooks’ The Producers who stage that smash hit “Springtime for Hitler.”
