A Legend is Hatched! Chapter Three: The greatest musical of all time!

The greatest musical of all time!

A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read Chapter One here and chapter Two here.

A fact that is widely known about me is I had a brief but illustrious career as an interviewer of people of the Broadway persuasion. My accolades in this field include being praised for my prodigious hairstyles by many Tony winners (and losers) and being the nemesis of at least two Pulitzer Prize winners.  And yet, I was uniquely unsuited to this job as it required not being the center of attention at all times. It proved to be another in a long series of failed schemes that were supposed to lead to me being “discovered” and getting my own TV show. Alas! However, occasionally I did get to meet some interesting people. 

Today I thought I would share an unpublished, never-before-seen interview with Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi, who created Chandeliers will Swing, the greatest musical of all time. Ms. von Bitzy de la Taxi only consented to do this interview if Chandeliers will Swing was referred to as the greatest musical of all time (when asked if she found it odd that many people had not heard of Chandeliers will Swing, Ms. von Bitzy de la Taxi stated that as she had not heard of many people she didn’t see why that should matter.)  

The interview that follows has not been edited for length or clarity. 

* * *

I arrive at Ms. von Bitzy de la Taxi’s penthouse apartment on a snowy winter day and am promptly brought into her bedroom as Ms. von Bitzy de la Taxi takes all meetings in bed. Her bed is a large four-poster canopy and is flanked on both sides by two large coolers covered in pink silk leopard print. The coolers are for her ice cream, which she has at breakfast and for afternoon tea (mint chocolate chip in the left cooler and strawberry in the right).  Also present for the interview was her butler, P.G. Wodehouse

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: So you want to hear about how I created Chandeliers will Swing, the greatest musical of all time.

Me: I do.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: You should sit down. This is one of those stories one should listen to in soft focus. 

I sit down on a pink velvet claw foot chair. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Like all good stories, the story of how I came to create Chandeliers will Swing, the greatest musical of all time, starts in Gstaad. I was in Gstaad recovering from my divorce when I happened to run into my Second Ex-Husband. You can’t imagine how surprised I was to see him in Gstaad as he usually goes to St. Moritz. So there I was, standing atop a Swiss mountain, in my fur coat and sunglasses, totally shocked. 

Me: That’s nice that you two could be friends so soon after a divorce.  

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: I try and stay friends with all of my ex-husbands. 

P.G. Wodehouse: She had just divorced her third husband not her second husband. 

Me: Oh, I see.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: I already said I’d just divorced my husband. 

P.G. Wodehouse: You said husband. Not third husband. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Well, I can’t be bothered with minor mathematical details. Now, as I was saying, there I was standing atop a Swiss mountain, in my fur coat, sunglasses, and fur hat, totally shocked to see my Second Ex-Husband. So we did the only thing one can do in that type of situation. We went and had a drink. A scotch on the rocks. 

P.G. Wodehouse makes Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi a drink and brings it over to her.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: As I’m sure you know, the best stories also make the best orders.  That’s what they mean when they say storytelling can help you learn about other people. 

Me: Yes, I’ve heard them say that.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: All right, back to me. As the night went on, my Second Ex-Husband and I got to talking about why our marriage didn’t work. You see, my dream was to be a star living a glamorous life—mind you, at that point, I was already living a glamorous life in the corporeal sense, but I was only a star in the spiritual sense. His dream was to be a farmer. He liked the chores. I liked the stores.  He liked the… [a pause]. He liked the… [Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi stares at P.G. Wodehouse] This is your cue.

P.G. Wodehouse: No.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Come on.

P.G. Wodehouse: No.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: What’s the harm?

P.G. Wodehouse: Copyright infringement.   

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Fine. Fine, you don’t have to say a thing.  Not a single thing. Now where was I?

P.G. Wodehouse: Fresh air. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Thank you. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi winks at the camera.

Me: There’s a camera?

P.G. Wodehouse: Of course there’s a camera.  This is America.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: He liked fresh air. I liked Times Square. So you see we weren’t at all compatible. Also, we both suffered from high self-esteem.  The marriage had been very much desired by our families though.  You know how those things are.  This was when we both lived in Connecticut.  It was the kind of quintessential American matrimonial drama that can only happen in Connecticut. Just like The Philadelphia Story. 

Me: Wasn’t that in Philadelphia?

P.G. Wodehouse: Katharine Hepburn was from Connecticut. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Transference, darling, transference. 

A leopard walks by.

Me: And this led you to creating Chandeliers will Swing?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi glares her famous trademark glare (please make checks payable to Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi) 

Me: And this led you to creating Chandeliers will Swing, the greatest musical of all time?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Of course.  You see, my Second Ex-Husband and I were a little tipsy after all of that reminiscing.  So we were wandering the halls of the castle. 

Me: I thought you were in a bar?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Why would we be in a bar, if we could be in a castle? 

Me: Point taken.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: We were wandering down the halls of the castle when I noticed that I’d lost the diamond bracelet that was given to me by my therapist to remind me of a place where I felt calm. Or maybe it was given to me by my hairdresser. Or by my yoga teacher. I go to yoga every other Tuesday of every other month. I don’t know why my yoga teacher doesn’t like me. He’s very judgmental for a yoga teacher. Actually, maybe it was my hairdresser’s yoga teacher who gave me the diamond bracelet that I lost. That would make more sense. So there I was in my fur coat, sunglasses, fur hat, diamond necklace, and pink peacock feather earrings crawling around the floor of the castle hallway looking for my diamond bracelet. 

P.G. Wodehouse: Not for the first or last time. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: When what should happen but I accidentally hit a switch that opened a secret passageway, which was just as well since there wasn’t a doorman in sight. You know, I’m so successful that I haven’t opened a door in years. 

P.G. Wodehouse: You can fact check that. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: I went down the secret passage. And you know what?

Me: What?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: It was my Third Ex-Husband.

Me: At the end of the secret passage?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: No, who gave me the bracelet. But at the end of the passage was a room full of stolen paintings. Very Famous Stolen Paintings.  My Second Ex-Husband said, “Look! Very Famous Stolen Paintings!”

Me: Oh, your Second Ex-Husband was still there?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Yes, he was still there. He just hadn’t been given any lines for a while. Now what were we to do about the Very Famous Stolen Paintings! My Second Ex-Husband said he wanted to think about it, but I said I didn’t think now was the time to be trying anything new. Just then a group of gangsters appeared. They were supposed to be guarding the Very Famous Stolen Paintings, but they’d taken a short break to eat some sandwiches. One had a tiny piece of Swiss cheese hanging from his moustache. So we did the only thing one can do in those circumstances. We had a traditional chandelier dual. 

Me: A chandelier dual?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Yes, they’re very common among European nobility. 

Me: I see. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: So there I was on a chandelier in my fur coat, sunglasses, fur hat, diamond necklace, pink peacock feather earrings, and white sequins fox hunting jodhpurs with matching white sequins jacket facing off with the gangsters.  And you know what’s funny? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you. As we were waiting for the dual to start, I got to talking with the gangsters and it turned out they didn’t want to be gangsters at all.  What they really wanted to do was act. 

Me: I think I’ve heard a plot like this before. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Who do you think they got it from?

Me: Exactly how old are you?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: You can Google that if you really want to know. 

P.G. Wodehouse hands me a form that states I will not Google this. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi:  By this point, I had grown very fond of the gangsters and I told them to give up their life of crime, and their sandwiches, and to follow their dreams and work in the theatre.   I had just talked them into it when we were all shocked to learn that the Very Famous Stolen Paintings hadn’t been stolen by the gangsters but by Nazis. You just can’t have a good musical without Nazis. 

Me: What happened after you discovered the art was stolen by Nazis?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: Then there was a big plot twist. [Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi takes a long sip of her drink]. After the plot twist, we did the only reasonable thing to do: we staged a big musical number to distract the Nazis so we could escape with the stolen art.  

Me: That does seem like the only reasonable thing to do in that situation.

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: I’m so glad you think so.

Me: I have spent a lot of time around theatrical people, so my idea of reasonable is relative, you understand.  So this is the basis of the plot of Chandeliers will Swing, the greatest musical of all time?

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi: You know what they say: write what you know.  

Me: So how did it end?  What happened after you got out of the secret passageway? 

The bed slowly begins to rise and transform into a multi-tiered mirrored platform. A band appears on top of the canopy. P.G. Wodehouse is suddenly in a sequined tuxedo. A chorus line makes its way out of the coolers. And a spotlight appears from god. 

Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi gets out of bed wearing her fur coat, sunglasses, fur hat, diamond necklace, pink peacock feather earrings, white sequins fox hunting jodhpurs with matching white sequins jacket, and tap shoes.  She makes her way up the platform. P.G. Wodehouse throws her a cane.  And just as the band starts playing the opening notes of “Stairway to Paradise”…

The chandelier falls. 

* * * 

I hope you enjoyed this never-before-seen interview. I am told Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi has been hard at work on her memoirs about her life in the theatre and the theatre of life. Meanwhile, if you would like to read the greatest theatrical profile of all time, click here for the profile I wrote of Bernadette Peters, which was published three years ago on her 70th birthday.

Victoria 

Status Report:

Am I famous yet? No.

Do I have my own television show yet? No. 

Is this really happening? Yes.

Footnotes:

There is a real family of German nobility called von Thurn and Taxis.

I do have two Pulitzer Prize winning nemesis. One of the Pulitzer Winners once dedicated a week to harassing me on Twitter, and when I tried to submit this to my high school alumnae magazine as “what I accomplished this year,” I was censored. 

P.G. Wodehouse, although not the one mentioned here, was a real person and a writer.

“The chores…” is from the theme song to Green Acres. I am available to create a remake of Green Acres, if anyone would like to hire me for this.  

The Philadelphia Story is set in Philadelphia.

When I was twelve, my friend Kyle and I wrote a musical called The Cornwalls of Connecticut.  It was our first major work that was not part of our OJ Simpson musical universe  (the first, written when we were nine, about the OJ Simpson Trial, and a sequel written the following year where the whole gang – sans OJ—ended up on a trip around the world together). The Cornwalls of Connecticut had a plot that involved one character wanting to be a farmer, another wanting to be a star, accidentally uncovering a Nazi plot, and using production numbers to create diversions. It was, indeed, the greatest musical of all time.