A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read Chapter One here and chapter Two here.
Dear Friends,
I am pleased to announce my breakup up with my therapist.
I am registered at Bergdorf’s.
I hope you will join me in celebrating this milestone.
Victoria
Victoria’s Registry
10 pairs dark sunglasses
1 Large fur hat
3 red lipsticks
17 kohl eyeliner pencils
1 Silk Pajama Set
1 Dressing gown
5 Pairs of earrings with large feathers on them (please note, featherless earrings will not be accepted)
1 Leopard print rug
7 Silver goblets
1 Bergdorf Goodman Cookbook
Diamonds
***
Dear People or should I say So-Called “People”,
I am writing you today with very difficult news—for me—Victoria has broken up with her therapist. Thank you for your forthcoming outpouring of support—for me—during this difficult time. My apartment is now full of non-stop talking and non-stop interruption to my napping schedule. “What do you think about…,” she is constantly asking me. “What don’t I think about?” I am constantly replying. “Is it normal to feel so much?” she asks. “Turn on the air-conditioning,” I reply.
Please send condolence gifts to me c/o The Bathtub. I would especially like caviar and rolls of tinfoil to help get me through this difficult time.
You are all now learning a valuable lesson about giving Victoria your personal contact information.
With much noblesse and a little oblige,
The Cat
P.S. To prove you are real, please send press clippings.
***
Dear Victoria’s Therapist,
I was very sorry to hear that you and Victoria parted ways. I was wondering, does this mean you are no longer bound by patient-client confidentiality?
Sincerely,
A Concerned Party (who is definitely not Victoria’s mother)
***
Dear Victoria’s Therapist,
It has come to my attention that you had the honor of being Victoria’s therapist for [redacted] years. I cannot think of a higher honor than to have had such access to such a rare and special mind. Victoria is a true icon of our time. My company is interested in acquiring the movie rights to Victoria’s life. Would you please mail all of Victoria’s files to us?
Sincerely,
A Very Important Producer (who is definitely not Victoria) from a Very Important Production Company (that is also definitely not Victoria LLC)
P.S. We happen to think Victoria is very funny. We are inundated with fan mail for her telling us as much.
***
Dear Victoria,
To clarify, I suggested you might benefit from having an additional therapist. As in you might be the type of person who needs two therapists. If you wish to see this as over-achieving, I can’t stop you.
To answer your question, no, shopping does not count as therapy. But, yes, it is less self-destructive than other things you mentioned. So, yes, go ahead.
Please pay me in cash.
Your Doctor
***
Dear Close Confidant of Victoria,
Is it true Victoria spent one month of therapist’s salary on a giant photograph of Barbra Streisand?
XOXO,
Very Important Person
***
Dear Very Important Person,
Yes.
-- Close Confidant of Victoria
***
Dear Ms. Myers,
While we at Bergdorf Goodman, like our customers to feel at home in our store, we would like to remind you that it is not, in fact, your home.
Please refrain from lying on the floor of our store in order to “think about your feelings.”
We would also like to clarify that going around pointing at objects and yelling, “that!” is not making a registry. It is making a disturbance.
Furthermore, the dollar amount on your bill is the amount that is owed. It is not a suggested donation.
The Management
***
Happy Passover!
If you missed the very special last issue, please click here to read about the greatest musical ever made. And if you’d like more information or to produce the greatest musical ever made, please let me and my imaginary agent know.
xx Victoria
Status Report:
Am I famous yet? No.
Do I have my own television show yet? No.
Is this really happening? Yes
Footnotes:
Bergdorf’s is the greatest department store in America and one of the greatest things in New York City. A very good starting point for an education about Bergdorf’s is the documentary Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorf’s or one of my exclusive personal tours.
The Bergdorf Goodman Cookbook is real. Yes, I own it. No, I have never used it.
There is not a movie being made about my life. Yet.
Feel free to send me fan mail both by post or e-mail.
Barbra Streisand filmed a sequence at Bergdorf’s for her first television special. I am always available to recreate this in any medium.
