A Legend is Hatched! I Look for UFOs!
It’s hard to compete with world events, but I think it’s important for me to try.
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read past editions here.
The other day, while shopping for a new mattress, I overheard people talking about a number of recent sighting of UFOs, or, more precisely, sightings of, “unidentified anomalous phenomena,” which is the preferred term for UFOs in military and scientific circles. As a true iconoclast who is only famous in her own mind, I identify as an “unidentified anomalous phenomena” in all circles. I roused myself from testing the “twilight sleep” mattress and concentrated on eavesdropping. I found out that the US had shot down a number of UFOs that were either spy craft or aliens. Apparently, this has been going on for weeks.
Upon hearing this information, I knew it was big news and that I couldn’t just leave it to other people to find UFOs—I had to look for them myself! It’s hard to compete with world events, but I think it’s important for me to try.
In my hunt for UFOs, I decided the most logical place to start would be looking for spy balloons. I see balloons all the time in Central Park, so I grabbed my butterfly net and headed to the park. However after getting yelled at by multiple seven year olds, a twenty-one year old, and a thirty year old for “ruining their birthday party,” I began to realize that just because a balloon has a cartoon animal face on it does not make it a spy balloon.
In hindsight, I suppose I should have figured that something so obvious would have already been discovered by other people. But a lifelong challenge of mine has been accepting that things that are obvious to me are not obvious to others. For example, it is obvious to me that I should be famous; others seem to be slow to this realization. It just goes to show you can’t take these things for granted!
I had heard that a spy balloon UFO had been shot down “off the coast,” so I decided to rent a boat. Would you believe that I learned how to sail a boat while trying to escape from Russian spies off the Sea of Japan. No, no one believes that. So the boat sank.
After drying off, I thought it would be a good idea to go to DC and try and get some information from the government on what was going on. Unfortunately, I got on the train going in the wrong direction and ended up in Vermont. The weather has been very weird lately so it’s hard to know which way the trains are running.
Luckily, Vermont has both UFO and balloon enthusiasts. I went to a Cher concert in Ohio in the late 90s so I was prepared for this. However, other than trying to sell me large quantities of maple syrup, they proved very unwelcoming. The balloon enthusiasts have been especially difficult when it comes to confirming or denying if any of their balloons have gone missing. It’s like they think they’re the first to be called a “nuisance” and “mind your own business.”
After falling asleep on the train back to NYC, I finally made it to DC. Yet my attempts to bribe my way into the federal government with maple syrup were unsuccessful. I thought about giving up, but when I read that Chinese diplomat Wang Yi has called the American reaction to the spy balloon “absurd and hysterical,” I thought it was a sign that this is what I was meant to be doing.
(Also, I figured this UFO hunting work I was doing for the government—without their knowledge or consent—might count towards my future community service, as once I make myself into an LLC, I think insider trading would be a good option for me. You know, as a way to make friends.)
The government, and people who read the newspaper, have known for weeks that the one UFO was actually a Chinese spy balloon. But there are still so many other UFOs that we know nothing about. Are they more Chinese spy balloons? Or are they Russian spy balloons? I’ve been to Russia, so I thought I’d be extra helpful if the spy balloons/UFOs were Russian. I have not been to China and I don’t speak Chinese. However, I don’t speak Russian either.
Of course, the UFOs could be alien!
Even for America, the government has had to devote an above average amount of time denying that the UFOs are alien. But as the saying goes, “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right about America.”
In DC, I learned that, once again, my assumptions were not fully correct and the spies/aliens were not only interested in NYC. UFOs had been spotted all across the country. So I grabbed my butterfly net and seventeen cases of maple syrup, and I started to drive across America. Luckily, most of my knowledge of American geography comes from The X-Files! Unluckily, The X-Files filmed in Vancouver.
After crashing my car into an inflatable pool float shaped like a swan, I realized I might need to re-think things. However, I am nothing if not impervious to obstacles, so onto Plan J! Because in the words of Dana Scully, “Sure. Fine. Whatever.”
Unlike what I learned as an adolescent in the accessories section of the Limited Too, tropical color schemes and aliens do not naturally go together. It turns out, Alaska has been a major spot of recent UFO hunting, continuing that states oversized role in twenty-first century American politics. Since I, too, had once flown through Alaska on the way to Russia, I thought I might have good luck there. So, once again, I grabbed my butterfly net and seventeen cases of maple syrup, and off I went!
At this point, I decided to double my chances by both investigating the UFOs and by instigating them. Some of you are probably wondering if I took statistics in college. The answer is no.
If I have learned one thing from this experience it’s that building a giant slingshot is harder than it looks. And if I have learned two things from this experience it’s that building a giant slingshot is harder than it looks and people react very strangely when one buys exceptionally large quantities of tinfoil. And if I have learned three things from this experience, it’s that building a giant slingshot is harder than it looks, people react very strangely when one buys exceptionally large quantities of tinfoil, and that I expected UFO hunting to involve more diner food.
From what I could gather, the government has been having trouble locating the UFOs they shot down from the sky. They need a way to trap them. It turns out those seventeen cases of maple syrup could be put to use after all! I plan to sell the UFO parts to the government (or highest bidder) to finance the film I want to make (a musical comedy about Jane Fonda’s trip to Vietnam). I could also option this entire UFO hunting experience. I am open to either and ready to start taking meetings—just as soon as I unstick myself from this maple syrup and head west to NYC!
I have yet to make any friends in Alaska as the locals are “offended” by me trying to force them to watch my reenactment of the “Lucy Goes to Alaska” episode of The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour. I have used my alone time, while waiting for the UFOs, to think—and to practice my tap dancing. If the UFOs are aliens, I would consider letting them abduct me as long as their planet has a robust film and television industry. It might be a good career move for me.
See you at the Martian movies!
Victoria
Footnotes
For those of you who do not read the newspaper, all of this UFO and spy balloon stuff is, in fact, real.
I saw Cher in concert in Cleveland in 1999. My friend Andrew and I were the youngest people there. Cher made her entrance on a giant chandelier and got stuck on the ceiling. It was very inspiring.
“There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right about America” is a quote by Bill Clinton.
The first four seasons of The X-Files were filmed in and around Vancouver before relocating to LA.
“Sure, fine, whatever” is a quote from The X-Files episode “Syzygy.”
In the 90s the Limited Too, and other stores aimed at eight to twelve year old girls, really pushed a tropical flavored candy colored alien aesthetic. This was also the time period that saw the release of that classic film Spice World, which film buffs will remember had an unforgettable alien encounter scene.
I really did once fly to Alaska on the way to Russia and for in-flight entertainment they had a race between the right and left sides of the plane to see who could pass rolls of toilet paper from the front to the back of the plane first.
“I can see Russia from my house,” a line of Tina Fey’s on SNL (based on something Sarah Palin actually said) continues to be one of the most prescient political jokes of our time.
I do have a great idea about adapting a section of Jane Fonda’s memoir into a mini-series!
“Lucy Goes to Alaska” aired in February of 1959 and guest starred Red Skelton. The episode features Lucy and Red Skelton performing the “Dining at the Waldorf” sketch. As a child I taught myself the entire sketch, including the song, and insisted on performing it for people.
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