A Legend is Hatched! I Run for Mayor!

People thought the mayor couldn’t get any worse, and I said to myself, “Now that sounds like a job for me!”

I am excited to share with all of you—my fans and people I signed up for this newsletter without your consent—my very first interview in conjunction with my campaign to become Mayor of New York City. I was recently interviewed by The New York Timez with a Z about my campaign and all the reasons why I should be mayor.

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Local Nuisance Enters NYC Mayor’s Race

A local woman who has been named in many lawsuits, Victoria Myers, recently declared she was running for mayor of New York City. The New York Timez with a Z was alerted to this via a paper airplane that flew through our office window. A subsequent paper airplane invited us to interview Ms. Myers at her campaign headquarters. 

On the appointed day and time, we arrived at the address provided, which turned out to be the location of Bergdorf Goodman.  Ms. Myers met us in the entrance and ushered us inside and to a corner of the 7th floor where there was a sign that read: “Victoria for Mayor Campaign Headquarters Located at Bergdorf’s.” 

Ms. Myers was quickly escorted out of the store by security. 

The next day we were summed—once again by paper airplane through our office window—to her new campaign headquarters: the storage room of a deli on Columbus and 93rd street. Taped on the wall was the same sign that read, “Victoria for Mayor Campaign Headquarters Located at Bergdorf’s.”

We were introduced to her campaign staff which seemed to consist of a napping cat, a photograph of Barbra Streisand, and a pile of wigs. 

For the interview, Ms. Myers guided us over to some folding chairs she had set up between bundles of boxes of breakfast cereal and Bergdorf’s bags she had scattered around the room to "make it feel like home." 

(Throughout our conversation she would occasionally smile at the security camera in the corner, which she insisted was for a documentary being made on her campaign. When we asked the deli owner to confirm this he replied with, “Sure.”) 

Our interview has not been edited for length or clarity. 

What was it that made you decide to run for mayor? 
I was reading an article about the current administration where it was reported that people thought the mayor couldn’t get any worse, and I said to myself, “Now that sounds like a job for me!”

When you declared you were running for mayor, how did people react?
Money Manager was thrilled by this development. So was Lawyer. Lawyer was so thrilled he’s started looking at property in the Bahamas. I have not been able to reach Accountant as every time I call him the person who answers just says, “Non parle pas Anglaise.”

And what is your platform?
I don’t take the subway. 

We were interrupted by a deli employee getting some meat out of the storage room freezer. 

A number of people think the current mayor has completely failed at the job.
And I have failed at every job I have ever attempted! 

The current mayor has made history as the first sitting mayor to be indicted. 
Well, they say you have to see it to be it. 

Your opponents have comprehensive plans to address corruption in city hall—they’ve given it a lot of thought.
I can confidently say that’s not an issue my campaign has. 

City elections can be known for their corruption.
Yes, I’m counting on it. 

You do seem very confident. 
There comes a time in the course of human events when it becomes necessary for a person to dissolve bands with ways they have not been famous and assume new ways of being famous that the laws of God and the laws of their megalomanic Nature entitles them to. 
We were interrupted by one of the many Bergdorf’s bags that were scattered around the room falling over. Several ballots fell out of the bag. It appeared they were all already filled in as votes for Ms. Myers. 
I’d say my mayoral victory is self-evident, even. 

Corruption, specifically, has been an issue for the current administration. How do you plan to show voters that you would do things differently?
My campaign theme song is “Take Back Your Mink.” 

The current mayor has had a fixation on the city’s rat problem. How do you plan on dealing with the rats? 
We’re working on registering the rats to vote. So, I’m actually fixing multiple problems at once.

Let’s discuss your campaign. What is your campaign currently planning?
I plan to hold my victory party at the Russian Tea Room. 

And how is fundraising going?
Never in history has so much been owed by so many to so few. 

Thus far your campaign has tried getting the word out about your mayoral run by throwing fliers off buildings in midtown.
Inspired by Roseanne in the movie She-Devil. 

So your campaign, inspired by a Roseanne Barr film, tried throwing campaign fliers off buildings in midtown?
Yes, and that’s how we learned you’re not allowed to throw things off rooftops.  But I’m glad you asked about that because it gives me a chance to explain how I ended up on the Staten Island ferry. 

We waited a few minutes for Ms. Myers to explain how she ended up on the ferry. 

How did you end up on the ferry?
I took a taxi to the pier.  The real issue was getting off the ferry as I couldn’t find a taxi anywhere.  

And that’s how you ended up in a lawsuit with the Staten Island Ferry?
Yes, but other than it being caused by my actions, it really had nothing to do with me. 

It’s often said that no matter who the mayor is New Yorkers will end up hating them.
I think that’s just another reason that I’d say I’m, actually, overqualified for the position. 

It was here that we were presented with a long list of Ms. Myers’ enemies, which she pulled out of a Bergdorf’s bag. 

Why do you think you would make a good mayor?
Well, someone has to be mayor, and I have a very strong belief that I am someone. 

And why New York City?
We have the best squirrels in the whole entire world. 

See you at the polls,

Victoria

Footnotes

The only office I have ever run for was middle school student body President and the election was fixed against me and I lost to a girl whose speech was a performance of a pop song. The most surprising thing about this was that it was not me who attempted to perform a song.

The middle school student body president election was fixed during the primaries when our 7^th grade social studies threw out a number of votes for me, which were later found in the trashcan in her classroom. This was not the first— nor would it be the last— scandal I was involved in.

“In the course of human events…” is the preamble to the Declaration of Independence.

“Take Back Your Mink” is from Guys and Dolls.

“Never has so much been owed…” is a Winston Churchill quote.

She-Devil (1989) is a great movie. Yes, it stars Roseanne. And co-stars Meryl Streep.

Roseanne managed to pop up in this Presidential election cycle, but, at this point, is it surprising when Roseanne pops up in a bizarre way involving a dead bear in an election cycle?

My first job—and by “job” I mean “internship”—was working for Sherrod Brown, who is in a tight reelection race (you can donate to his campaign here).

Speaking of donating—and speaking of local elections—if you want to support electing Democrats to state legislatures, click here.