A Legend is Hatched! I Am a Holiday Window Designer!
Money Manager was wrong. I didn’t need to spend less time at Bergdorf’s; I need to spend more! So I went to Bergdorf's to get a job.
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read past editions here.
The other week, I got a very distressing call from Accountant. Accountant wanted to alert me to a situation with my income tax and lack of payment thereof, and was this something I was aware of? I told Accountant that, yes, I was aware that lack of payment of income taxes was often used as a plot device in movies, particularly of the screwball comedy and mafia genre, but since, despite my best efforts, I was not in a movie, I did not see what this had to do with me. Accountant said it very much had to do with me. I asked Accountant if that meant I was finally going to be in a movie? To make a long story as Accountant says, “less migraine inducing and make even one iota of sense,” I then had to call Money Manager and ask for a very large sum of money. Money Manager informed me that I did not have the desired funds and maybe I should spend less time at Bergdorf’s.
Then Money Manager asked if I had ever considered getting a job. I told Money Manager that I didn’t consider being famous a job—I considered it an entitlement—so, no. Money Manager said he didn’t know how he could work like this, and I said, “Well, yes, that is the problem, isn’t it?”
However, after careful consideration and browsing white-collar prisons, I thought maybe I could get a so-called “real” job. Although, if there’s one thing I have never been accused of it’s being real! But I suppose it can’t hurt to try something new!
One does always hear of places needing extra help at the holidays. And I do think I embody the joy of the holiday season! I am like Santa Claus, just leave a tray of Academy Award statues on the mantel, and I’ll appear.
Of course, there are very few places I can be every day, since I am very sensitive to the altitude. But then I realized that Money Manager was wrong. I didn’t need to spend less time at Bergdorf’s; I need to spend more! So off I went to the only place of business I know: Bergdorf’s.
When I told them I was there to get a job, they handed me their rulebook about filming on the premises. But when I told them that what I actually meant was a “real job,” they thought this would be a great idea since I could work off my bill, which I have only recently discovered is not a suggested donation. Thus, they immediately gave me a job!
However, after spending the morning walking around the store, pointing to various things, and saying “that would look great on me!” I was told this was not what being a personal shopper meant. I found this odd, since I’d found at least 17 things that would look great on me.
Next, they sent me to gift-wrap where I ended up having to spend several hours trying to get all the bows and ribbon unstuck from my hair. I was told this was not “working.” Well, it might not be working, but it was exhausting!
After that, they suggested that maybe I would be better suited doing something outside the store. I knew exactly what they meant! I would now be in charge of designing their holiday windows!
Some of you might have walked by Bergdorf’s recently and stopped to look at the windows and thought, “I’m surprised there’s not more glitter.” Some of you might have walked by and thought, “Wow, these are fantastic.” And, to you, I say, “whose side are you on, anyway?”
Because, yes, once again, I had to leave a project due to creative differences. Apparently, my ideas were not in keeping with the holiday spirit. But as Madonna said: everyone is entitled to my opinion. So here are some of my rejected holiday window concepts.
Victoria’s Concepts for the Bergdorf Goodman Holiday Windows
O Come All Ye Faithful: A Tribute to Therapists! What better way to celebrate the holidays in New York City than by doing a tribute to one of its greatest assets: more therapists per person than any other city in the world! This concept requires the use of many scarves. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt as Mary and Joseph! Rather than a manger we see Brad and Jen in a bungalow outside the Chateau Marmont. Bathed in the ombre twilight, they are visited by studio executives and personal assistants. A camera flashes in the distance just like the star of Bethlehem. A Yacht, and Really that’s Not a Lot Inspired by the lyrics of one of the most reverent Christmas songs, these windows would feature various yachts. The clothing would be displayed on mannequins doing typical festive yacht activities like day drinking and foiling Nazi plots. There could also be a version of this that features one large yacht that covers multiple windows. This depends on the availability of a large chainsaw. The Eight Nights of Hanukkah Represented by Elizabeth Taylor’s Eight Divorces This would mostly be a showcase for jewelry. Repeat the Sounding Joy: Reading My Text Messages Another theme inspired by a Christmas carol, these windows would feature billboards displaying some of the most beloved text messages that I have sent. The messages would then repeat. I think this would really captivate people walking by on the street, as I have often been told that I make people feel imprisoned. Lydia Tar Putin on the Ritz Imagine tanks, but with glitter! Nuclear weapons, but with confetti! Eloise in Moscow meets Mel Brooks, but with more faux fur. Also, a great opportunity to use lots of boots. Interventions! After all, people say the holidays are about spending time with friends and family! Wacky Europeans When one thinks of the holiday season, one often thinks of snow covered European landscapes and villages. Ah, how Europe invokes the magic of the holidays and kindles the imagination. The wacky European theme makes this even more special! Each window will be dedicated to a wacky European story: the Italian royal family fighting over who gets to be monarch of Italy, despite Italy having abolished the monarchy many decades ago; the orchestra that got trapped in a haunted castle surrounded by wolves; and the German prince trying to overthrow the government.
Despite my work not being on display in the windows at Bergdorf’s, it is all still available to be adapted for film and television. I am told by Lawyer I will have lots of time coming up and that my future accommodations—or as Lawyer calls it “my cell”—will be free of distractions!
Happy Holidays!
Victoria
Footnotes
Yes, this is a tribute to one of the greatest holiday movies: the Lucille Ball version of Mame.
Ombre twilight was originally used in my Jennifer Aniston/Joan Didion piece, which although it came out many months ago, I can still be praised for.
“A yacht…” is from the song Santa Baby.
“Repeat the sounding joy” is from Joy to the World… and The Family Stone.
Lydia Tar is not a real person.
Eloise in Moscow is a real book.
Some of you have heard the story of the time I staged an intervention, and some of you are missing out.
There is a feud in the Italian royal family about who gets to inherit the non-existent monarchy; an orchestra did get trapped in a castle; and a German prince did, recently, try to overthrow the government.
If anyone wants to discuss what I would like for the holidays (my own television series or film that will lead to an Oscar nomination), please get in touch!
