A Legend is Hatched! A Guide to Protesting!
It is hard to be the center of attention at a protest. But there is hope!
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, the Birthday Special, nine, ten, the holiday gift guide, end of year bonus, eleven, twelve, Jennifer Aniston and Joan Didion, Barbra Birthday Special, and Summer Homes.
The weather is warm, the sun is out, and helicopters are circling overhead. Yes, that’s right—it is protest season in NYC! Like most things, this would be better if I were famous (and I don’t think we’ve all been putting an equal amount of effort into making this happen…).
I have been going to protests since I was a small child. They always had two things I loved: television cameras and large crowds. Protests were a great opportunity for me not only to support a worthy cause, but also to let the public support me. I’d find the nearest camera and go into my musical number (complete with a self-taught tap routine). This is what people mean when they talk about using their art for good.
My most recent protesting excursions have been in support of abortion and reproductive rights. As my grandmother once said at Thanksgiving, “Who hasn’t had an abortion? It doesn’t make you special. Who cares!” If you are new to this newsletter and/or if you couldn’t tell from that quote: I come from a Jewish family and thus think the only real controversy is not what people do with their own bodies, but who gets to be the center of attention.
As a Jew, I know more people who have gotten Tony nominations for talking about their abortions than I know republicans. I like to think this is what people mean when they say, “be patriotic.”
Another thing that’s patriotic is dissent. And since there are bound to be many protests to come, as a real NYC protesting expert, I thought I’d share my tips for a good protesting experience!
Victoria’s Guide to Protesting!
* It is hard to be the center of attention at a protest. This can be a psychologically destabilizing experience for some. So please be prepared. Luckily, I am impervious to other people’s opinions and judgments—and I like a good challenge!
* If you can, it is a great idea to invest in real estate along protest routes. That way you can participate by doing things like opening a window and waving. This also allows you to have a pre-protest gathering where cocktails and canapés are served. This can be especially helpful if you have friends who are always saying things like. “I’ll meet you there” and, “of course, you’ll be able to find me in the crowd. I’ll be by a person holding a sign.”
* It’s important to come up with creative slogans for your signs. You’ll have to come up with your own slogan though, since I do not do free labor. I also do not do paid labor. Plus, New Therapist and I are working on establishing boundaries. For instance, from now on whenever anyone asks me to donate to their cause, I will only donate if they first compliment me three times. This may or may not have been what New Therapist meant, but she doesn’t read this newsletter because we have boundaries.
* It is important to dress appropriately for a protest. Do not wear anything with a train. It is a good idea to leave the diamonds at home and just stick to costume jewelry. Feather boas are a great way to jazz up any protest outfit.
* Sunglasses are a must.
* Joan Didion LitHub tote bags are a popular item on the protest circuit. Or, if you are me, a great chance at self-promotion.
* The only acceptable animal to bring to a protest is a horse.
* It is acceptable to throw things at protests as long as they are biodegradable and you are not littering. It is acceptable to burn things at a protest as long as they were made in America. I once took a ConLaw class at summer camp, so I definitely know what I am talking about here.
* Now that the Supreme Court has made it harder to fight climate change, for those who like musical numbers, a great song choice is “What a Day for an Auto-da-fé.” It’s not only catchy but a great double entendre!
* Protests are a great opportunity to make new friends. If you don’t know what to say to someone at a protest two great conversation starters are Mel Brooks and bagels, since there’s at least a 50% chance that the person standing next to you is Jewish.
* It is important to be vigilant at protests and make sure that you are not accidentally talking to a KGB agent who is trying to interfere with the democratic process. You can test to see if someone is a KGB agent by asking them about American pop culture like Green Acres, That Girl, and Hogan’s Heroes. If they know those references, they’re probably a KGB agent.
* You should also steer clear of police officers at protests. I don’t like being around the NYPD since it means I stand no chance at being the most entitled person present. If there is anyone who should live in a world where they never have to face consequences for their actions and have zero professional standards, it is me! After all, what have I been working towards all of these years, if not that!
* Protests are also a great opportunity to have a guest starring role on Getting Arrested with Jane Fonda, which is also the name of a reality show I’d like to pitch Andy Cohen (even though I do not believe in reality television since the only union I support is the WGA, even though they have not made me a member as they “have not heard of me,” but that seems like their problem not mine).
* Despite my best efforts, I have never gotten arrested. This is really not good for my superiority complex. Someone once told me my lack of arrests was because I was white, but I’d like to think this failure is a result of my own hard work and ingenuity!
* I would like to get arrested not just for the publicity, but since I, too, would like a t-shirt with my mug shot on it
* You should bring caviar as a snack because, despite much evidence to the contrary, we are still a civilization.
***
I hope to be seen by all of you at a protest soon! Because although it can seem like individuals can’t really make a difference, I like to think that a small group of self-involved citizens with a delusions of grandeur can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
Happy 4th of July! I know this is complicated holiday for many, but I like the 4th of July since it’s the holiday of campy solipsism, which is also how I self-identify. And, anyway, the fall of democracy is my greatest chance at becoming Queen, one of the few careers that fits my temperament.
What a day, what a day for an auto-da-fé!
Victoria
Footnotes
There are two people who have gotten Tony nominations for writing about their abortions: Sherie Rene Scott (2010) and Heidi Schreck (2019).
Abortion bans also violate the 1st Amendment freedom of religion clause (so if you aren’t pro-choice, you are antisemitic).
The website Literary Hub gave out a limited number of tote bags featuring a photo of Joan Didion’s face and they became a real status symbol in certain parts of Manhattan and Brooklyn. No, I do not own one.
Flag burning in protest is considered protected speech (at least for now). The ACLU has resources on the rights of protesters.
I did, in fact, take ConLaw at summer camp.
Spying on protesters has long been strategy used to stifle dissent. And, of course, we have been (and probably will continue to) dealing with years of Russian interference in our elections.
“Auto-da-fe” is from the musical Candide.
Green Acres, That Girl, and Hogan’s Heroes are all television shows that aired from the mid-‘60s to early ‘70s.
One of the many recent horrendous Supreme Court rulings says that police officers do not have to face any accountability if they don’t read people their Miranda Rights. In other words, they face no accountability for failing to do one of the most basic and important parts of their jobs.
In 2019, Jane Fonda would regularly get arrested in DC as a protest to climate change. However, her most famous arrest happened in Cleveland, Ohio in 1970 when she was on Nixon’s enemies list. She was arrested for smuggling drugs, which were, in fact, vitamins. I have both a t-shirt and clutch with her mug shot on them. And, again, I have a great pitch for a limited series based on this time period in her life, if anyone would like to put me in touch with any Hollywood executives.
The actual quote is “never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has” by Margaret Mead.
When I was growing up, my neighborhood had an annual 4th of July Parade that included a float competition. One year my friend, Kelley, and I made a Boston Tea Party float out of an old Playmobil pirate ship and I dressed as a giant tea bag. We lost to two sisters whose float was clearly made by their parents. I am still bitter about it and demand a recount.
