A Legend is Hatched! Summer Homes!

Summer Real Estate Guide, or life is phases of Elizabeth Taylor, and it is time for me to enter my “Elizabeth Taylor, 1968” phase.

A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, the Birthday Special, nine, ten, the holiday gift guide, end of year bonus, eleven, twelve, Jennifer Aniston and Joan Didion, and the Barbra Birthday Special.

Depending on what hemisphere you are in and depending on if you believe in seasons (which I do since I learned about the calendar through the Bergdorf’s catalog and because I own a lot of hats and sunglasses), summer is almost upon us. Thanks to climate change (which I believe is real since I learned about it from Jane Fonda and because I own a lot of hats and sunglasses), summer is lasting longer than ever. I guess all that time surrounding my hair in a cloud of hairspray was time well spent!

As anyone who has watched a television show set in NYC—with the exception of the Law and Order franchise—knows, the most popular thing to do in NYC in the summer is to leave it.  This is especially true if you are in the middle of renovating your apartment and accidentally caused a hole in the ceiling of your building’s lobby while trying to construct an underground bunker that could be gotten to via slide, and now all of your neighbors are disproportionately angry at you. It’s been a strange year for people; tensions are high.

Somehow through the years, I have managed to never get invited to any of my friend’s summer houses, and I am instead told I have “once again misunderstood the nature of this relationship” and “here’s our P.O. Box.” But as the saying goes: be the hero of your own story! So it is time for me (and my cat, who is, after all, a native New Yorker) to finally get my own summer home!

Many New Yorkers have second homes in the Hamptons, which are located on Long Island. I can’t go to the Hamptons because too many therapists spend the summer there and I’d never get a moments rest. But when someone owns as many jewel-encrusted kaftans as I do, there is really only one solution.

Some kids’ dreams are shaped by Disney and some kids’ dreams are shaped by Truman Capote’s Answered Prayers. And as a proud member of the over-privileged and under-boundaried class, it is time for me to embark on a journey through that age-old tradition of foreign real estate. After all, while I can’t name all fifty-three states, I can name numerous towns on the Amalfi Coast.  

I like to think of life as being made up of phases of Elizabeth Taylor, and it is now time for me to enter my “Elizabeth Taylor, 1968” phase.

For I still remember the day when I, as a 15 year old full of dreams and schemes against my enemies, came across an article in the New York Times Magazine about a cult film called Boom! (exclamation point theirs, mine, and eternal). It had me at “Elizabeth Taylor” and “Two-foot beaded headdress.” This film, set on a private island in the Mediterranean became my touchstone, both sartorially and spiritually for what the summer means to me.

And so I have complied a list of possible summer home properties for all of you, my fans and friends of my fans, to look over and help advise on which one(s) should be purchased for me.  To make a fully informed decision, please click on the link for each property.

Victoria’s Summer Real Estate List

** Where better to summer than this castle that overlooks Portofino!  Be carried up a very steep hill to your dream home. Was it the site of espionage? Is there looted art hidden in the basement?  Did Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton get drunk here while being habitually late to set? Fingers crossed the answer is "all of the above."

** This villa on Lake Como was built in not one but two styles, both of which can be described as “really, really ornate.” It also comes with a bonus sculpture garden, which, at just over $20,000,000, makes it a real bargain. The perfect home for anyone who looked at the Sistine Chapel and thought, “this guy just didn’t try hard enough.”

** This castle in the Burgundy region of France will “transport you into history,” and if there is one thing that has never gone wrong in France, it’s history.  This home comes with it’s own chapel and was once visited by Louis XIV, known as The Sun King.  Don’t just have delusions of grandeur; with this home you can make them a reality! It also comes with it’s own moat.

** Moor Place Manor in Hertfordshire is the perfect picture of a house set among England’s green and pleasant land. Bring your bow of burning gold and arrows of desire, to this move-in ready home. With a classic Georgian elegance, a grand staircase, and a name like Moor Place Manor, it's a real choose your own adventure of British period dramas!

** This historic chateau in France comes with room for 400 horses, 300 of which come with the house. You just can’t beat that type of preparation!

** This modest palais is just twenty minutes from Paris and the perfect backdrop for any pompadour hairstyle. Additionally, General de Gaulle once stayed here during WWII. Yes, this palais is located in the middle of what was once Nazi occupied territory. But, as they say, what’s the likelihood of that happening again!

** As Sophia Loren sang in Houseboat, “do it with a bing, bang, bong,” and where better to do just that than in your own estate on Capri? This villa is right out of Capri central casting and is perfect for anyone who dreamed of being an internationally famous recluse with a constant supply of spaghetti. The perfect place to make your childhood dreams come true. Because I think we all know that the only price you can put on nostalgia is “price upon request.”

** This lakeside villa in Italy is in the art nouveau style and, with its hilltop setting and gardens and gazebos, it is the perfect setting for fun summer activities like espionage and intelligence analysis. It is also situated close to the Swiss boarder, which, if history is our guide, will make this property a great investment for any Jewish buyer.

** This castle in upper Normandy is what they call “a real fixer-upper,” but who doesn’t want the opportunity to put their own stamp on a home? The perfect home for anyone who ever looked at the interior design section of a bookstore and never realized it was a choice and not a challenge.

** As any Jewess knows, it is always a good idea to have a home in Switzerland because “you just never know.” This mansion is decorated in the “Aunty Mame House of Horrors” style and has both indoor and outdoor fountains.  Need I say more? No. But I will. It is also in close proximity to "international clinics," which, of course, means mental institutions.

** If you always have Hollywood in your heart and dream of having Robert Evans on speed-dial, this villa in Cannes (in the area of “La Californie”) is perfect for you.  Built in the Belle-Époque era it comes with both an outdoor BBQ area and a fountain. Close to the coast, it is perfect if one is more acclimated to fleeing via yacht than hiking trail. And it is on sale for $20,303,484 or roughly the price of 9,442,533 croissants. 

** This estate in Mallorca, Spain dates back to the 17thcentury, or the late Inquisition period. It has ten bedroom suites and an additional 70 bedrooms, plus personnel accommodations. The perfect house to really loose yourself—and your guests—in! Extras include room service elevator and smoke detectors.

***

After careful consideration of the above list, please let me know which one(s) of these homes should be bought for me. And if any of you would like to invest, I will be sure to send you a post card of thanks and to name a character after you in the movie I will be writing about my summer holiday. After all, the only point of vacation is to get material.

Remember, life is Elizabeth Taylor on an on-location shoot and most poor sons-of- bitches are starving to death!

Victoria

Footnotes:

Jane Fonda is a great person to learn about climate change from and I also have a great idea for a television series based on a portion of her life so, as always, call my agent.

Answered Prayers is Truman Capote’s unfinished novel. Believed to be a roman a clef about Capote and his friends, parts of it were published in Esquire, which led to Capote losing most of his friends. Although the novel was never finished, the existing sections were published after Capote’s death as Answered Prayers. I read it in high school and it became one of my favorite novels, which is an excellent example of someone showing you exactly who they are.

Boom! is the film adaption of Tennessee Williams’ The Milk Train Doesn’t Stop Here Anymore. It is one of the most amazing films ever made and really does feature Elizabeth Taylor, as the richest woman in the world, wearing a two-foot beaded headdress. Not a single person was sober during the making of the film.

Louis XIV and I share the same birthday, September 5th.

“Green and pleasant lands…” is from Jerusalem, a poem by William Blake that was later set to music and continues to be weirdly popular in American private schools.

“Bing Bang Bong” is a real song from the movie Houseboat, a delightful summer film!

Robert Evans is every cliché of a Hollywood producer combined into one person.

One year, for my birthday (something that will once again be occurring this calendar year), I started a Go Fund Me Campaign for a truly noble venture: buying me an Italian castle. It gotten taken down for violating the so-called “terms and conditions.” For a charity site, I must say, they are not nearly as charitable in their interpretations as I am.

“Life’s a banquet and most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death” is a line from the classic novel/film/musical Mame, a story, much like the film Boom!, that is both inspirational and aspirational and begging to be re-made/revived with me in charge.