A Legend is Hatched! I Meet the Secret Service!
The President comes to my building, and the one thing the Secret Service is not prepared for is me looking for comedic material!
Note: Although I normally keep these newsletters to once a month (in an attempt to leave people wanting more—something I hardly ever do in real life), occasionally something just writes itself. Or in this case, writes a rejected episode of “30 Rock.” Speaking of, if anyone could forward any one of these to Tina Fey, that would be very appreciated!
I Meet the Secret Service!
Tuesday, June 27th
5:30pm: It has been announced that a “special guest” will be coming to my apartment building on Thursday. The “special guest” will, apparently, cause some disruptions. I hope it’s Cher.
Wednesday, June 28th
11am: Have received further information about the “disruptions” caused by the “special guest.” Disruptions include a security perimeter around the building and limited access to the north entrance and elevator. We still have not been told who the “special guest” is, but I think I have figured it out!
2pm: Saw Secret Service wandering around the lobby. I guess I was incorrect about who the special guest is. But I have now definitely figured it out!
2:30pm: Having now deduced that the “special guest” is POTUS, and that one of my neighbors is having a fundraising party for him (always a him!), I have endeavored to find out which neighbor did not invite me to their party. However, the building will not say which of my neighbors is having the fundraiser. Apparently, that is an invasion of privacy.
2:45pm: Have Googled neighbors.
2:50pm: Debating sending the following e-mail to the building list serve: To Whom It May Concern. I am a registered Democrat and like parties.
3:15pm: After consulting the e-mail that listed which entrance and elevator bank (the north) would be used by the “special guest”(who I have deduced to be POTUS), I took a walk around the lobby to try and find the correct elevator bank, so I am prepared for tomorrow. I was not successful.
4pm: Consulted StreetEasy to try and find apartment floor plans to help me figure out where the north elevator bank is located.
7pm: Have texted everyone I know to tell them the President is coming to my building.
10:30pm: Checked phone. No one has responded to me. This Presidential visit is not getting me the attention I thought it would.
Thursday, June 29th
7:45am: It is the day of the Presidential visit!
8:15am: Trying to decide what to wear today. Have narrowed it down to a Hillary t-shirt or an Elizabeth Warren t-shirt.
8:30am: Went with a red dress, as today is probably not a good day to be sneaking up on people.
9am: Am using my morning walk (which my doctor makes me do to treat my insomnia) as an excuse to scope out what’s happening in the lobby. The lobby is weirdly empty.
10am: Have come back from my morning walk with a large iced latte, which will make me more inconspicuous as I slowly walk by the north entrance of my building. There is still a surprising lack of activity.
10:15am: Have finally located the Secret Service activity. The issue seems to have been that I did not know which way was north.
11am: Sitting in my window watching the security perimeter being set up. This includes barricades, police vans, and many garbage trucks.
11:30am: Took another walk around my lobby. Lots of Secret Service and now they are bringing in folded up privacy screens. Good thing I like a challenge!
11:45am: The one thing the Secret Service is not prepared for is me roaming the building looking for comedic material.
12:30pm: Writing about Russia.
1pm: Going out to get groceries, but really this is just an excuse to check out the activity in the lobby again.
2pm: Upon my return, I asked one of the Secret Service guys where I should go to watch the arrivals. He said, “No.” I said, “But I bought popcorn!” And that’s how I learned you should not pull something out of a brown paper bag in front of the Secret Service.
2:15pm: Went back outside to get another angle on what was happening over at the north entrance. They’re currently setting up a tent.
2:30pm: Went back inside through the front door and meandered through the lobby to the north entrance to see if the tent was more interesting from that angle. Is this where I should bring my cat to get her photo taken?
2:35pm: Whoever designed this building had a real eye for farce.
2:40pm: A Secret Service agent asked me if I lived in the building. I told him: You can Google that if you really want to know.
2:45pm: Alec Baldwin used to live in this building.
3pm: Went back outside and somehow the security presence has doubled. I forgot my ID, but my keys are on a commemorative key ring from Barbra Streisand’s 2006 concert tour, so I figure that proves that I am a registered Democrat who lives on the UWS.
3:10pm: Thought I saw a sharpshooter. Maybe wearing red was a mistake?
3:15pm: More privacy screens have gone up around the lobby. They’re making it very difficult for me to get around!
3:20: Debating if I should inform people that I interned in DC and was involved in multiple anthrax scares in the congressional office buildings.
3:21: Maybe I should rephrase that?
3:30pm: Asked a White House Staffer if there were any famous people attending the event. Did not receive an answer.
3:45pm: Privacy screens are everywhere, Secret Service agents are everywhere, and they are not letting anyone outside.
3:50pm: Still confused as to where I bring the cat to get her photo taken.
4pm: I have been banned from the lobby!
4:15pm: Almost fell out of my window trying to watch the arrivals. All I can see are garbage trucks.
4:25pm: Getting bored watching the garbage trucks.
4:45pm: I have made it back to the lobby!
4:50pm: Nothing is happening. Where did everyone go?
5pm: Wandering the lobby.
5:15pm: I think I missed it.
5:25pm: A Secret Service guy just told me I’d been very popular in the lobby all day! Finally, I have achieved some level of fame!
Footnotes:
The President attended a climate change focused fundraiser in my building on Thursday, June 29th and this is exactly what happened that day.
If you missed the last edition of this newsletter, “I Go to Russia,” read it here.
I am serious about people forwarding this to Tina Fey. Or anyone influential in the entertainment industry. I would be very appreciative—as would my therapist!
