A Legend is Hatched! Thanks and Giving!

Reader Q&As or How to be proactive when you are left left thankless and giftless.

A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read past editions here.

Once again, it is the day after Thanksgiving, a day that traditionally falls on the day succeeding Thanksgiving.  As readers of this newsletter will know, Thanksgiving—a day of thanks and giving—has always been a challenging holiday for me, as year after year I wait for people to thank me for all that I have given them and to give me gifts for all I have given to capitalism. And yet I am always left thankless and giftless.

This year I decided to be proactive!  New Therapist is always saying I need to do a better job advocating for myself and that I should not rely on subtle hints. So, putting my journalism and stalking skills to use, I decided that I would ask people why they were thankful for me.  

I pulled up my e-mail and composed a message with the subject line, “Why are you thankful for me?” After searching through emails where people had forgotten to blind copy, I sent my e-mail to every one I had ever met. Because as the saying goes: you just don’t know who is affected by your actions. Luckily, I did not have to wait long for people to start replying.  Soon I was deluged with messages like, “How did you get my new e-mail address?” and “je ne parle pas Anglais.”

Next, I thought I would go out on the streets—to my public—and ask them why they were thankful for me.  After the first twenty-seven people responded with, “Who are you?” I got too cold to stay outside. But it’s nice that so many people wanted to respect my privacy!

After all of this, the shadow of holiday gloom had still not lifted. Maybe I was doing something wrong in my approach to be proactive?  Maybe people needed the opportunity to get to know me better? I am a very complex person; I know I certainly have a hard time picking only one quality about myself that I like. Plus, when someone is as famous in her own mind as I am, there are lots of people who get confused about the real you. No wonder coming up with reasons to be thankful for me was so hard for people! It is overwhelming!

So, I thought I’d answer some reader questions and offer some very true facts about myself so all of you, my fans/people-I-signed-up for-this-newsletter-without-consent will know the real me. As I always say: how can I help you to help me.

After sorting through things like: “how did I get on this e-mail list?” “how do I unsubscribe?” and “how am I still on this e-mail list?” I complied a list of questions that cover a wide range of topics from my thoughts on things to my further thoughts on things.  

I hope you find it as educational as I did.

Q: Victoria, you previously wrote about firing your therapist.  It appears you now have a new therapist (assuming New Therapist is a real person). How is that going?
A: Well, I am still not famous, so things could be better. 

Q: Is it true that the foundation of your logical and analytic thinking comes from I Love Lucy episodes?
A: I’m confused as to why anyone reading this newsletter would ask this.
	 
Q: It seems like you have both been moving and have moved for a very long time now. Which is it?  It seems like there is a real continuity problem here?
A: Yes. 

Q: Does Barbra Streisand really have a mall in her basement? This seems like the type of thing you’d make up.
A: Yes, Barbra does have a mall in her basement. And, yes, it does seem like something I would make up. These two ideas are not in conflict with each other. 

Q: Can you please stop misquoting me?
A: Who is this? 

Q: Do you remember your first trip to Bergdorf’s?
A: Yes, I had a tuna sandwich. 

Q: Have you thought about giving your therapist a raise?
A: No, but I have thought of negotiating for a percentage of the box office. 

Q: What is your office address?
A: 754 Fifth Avenue.

Q: We are experiencing very turbulent times. What have you been finding inspiring lately?
A: This quote about Elizabeth Taylor: “Once, we had a board meeting at the Bank of Los Angeles. Afterward she said, ‘So, this is what a bank looks like.’ She’d never been in one.”

Q: How did you get your cat?
A: In a taxi.  

Q: What are the best musical numbers to create diversions with?
A: When choosing the right diversionary musical numbers one must consider the goal and the environment i.e. are you trying to flee from a foreign agent or are you trying to steal a diamond necklace? Is there a grand staircase? Are there palm trees? Luckily, there are some numbers that are especially versatile. They include “The Continental” “A Bushel and a Peck” and the Liza Minnelli classic “Ring Them Bells.” Some of you are probably wondering if “Springtime for Hitler” is a good diversionary musical number. 

Q: Is it true you are working on a cabaret act?
A: When one has hair like I do, a cabaret act is not work; it’s an entitlement. 

Q: Is it true you have a life-sized stuffed leopard?
A: Of course. 

Q: Can you tell us more about the musical Chandeliers will Swing? Nothing came up when I tried to google it. 
A: Chandeliers will Swing is a musical written by Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi. It was developed at Les Rives de Prangins in Nyon, Switzerland. It debuted on Broadway to raving mad reviews. A revival is currently in the works and is just waiting to find a single investor. It is considered to be the greatest musical of all time. When questioned as to why most people have not heard of it, Ms. von Bitzy de la Taxi states that she has not heard of most people. 

Q: Remind me again what supplies one should have prepared in a go-bag?
A: It’s a Bergdorf’s bag and it should contain: passport, jewelry, supplies for the cat, The Cat, matzo ball soup, cash in different denominations and currencies, fruit snacks, hairspray, pepper spray, Bergdorf’s commemorative Christmas ornament, things to bribe people with (cash, alcohol, bubbles).

Q: What is your favorite thing to do at Bergdorf’s?
A: Lie on the floor and think about what to buy my feelings. And practice my tap dancing. 

Q: Do you think you’d make a good President?
A: No, I’m too ambitious.

Q: You talk a lot about how you would make a good spy. Do you not see the potential conflict of being a spy and talking publicly about yourself so much?
A: You can google that if you really want to know.

Q: What do you recommend getting people for the holidays?
A: Everything included in last year’s Holiday Gift Guide, a collection of my early work newly available for the very second time, continues to be available. Now newly available for the very third time!

Q: What is your favorite holiday movie?
A: To Be or Not To Be. Nothing brings holiday cheer like actors using their egos to fight Nazis. 

Q: Why are you doing this newsletter?
A: Because I like you.

Q: Why did you subscribe people to this newsletter against their wills?
A: Because I like me. 

Q: Anything else?
A: When in doubt, more chandeliers. 

Q: Where would you like to be in five years?
A: On television. 

I truly hope these answers have been enlightening for all of you! And as the song goes: till all things now living unite in thanks giving… hosanna and praise me!

Awaiting thanks and fame,

Victoria

Footnotes

“till all things now living…” is from the song “Let All Things Now Living,” which is very popular at prep schools. 

New Therapist is a real person and she does think I should do a better job of advocating for myself. So, to all of you: how are you going to help me become famous?

When I was growing up, the restaurant at Bergdorf’s was on the fifth floor and they made a very good tuna sandwich.

754 Fifth Avenue is where Bergdorf’s is located, and I hope most of you could figure that out by context.

The Elizabeth Taylor quote is from an excerpt published in Vanity Fair from a new biography of her that is coming out in December and that I have pre-ordered even though I am skeptical about it.

“The Continental” is from the movie The Gay Divorcee, “A Bushel and a Peck” is from Guys and Dolls, and “Ring Them Bells” is from Liza Minnelli. “Springtime for Hitler” is from The Producers.

The stuffed leopard’s name, naturally, is Baby (as in Bringing Up Baby).

You can read more about Chandeliers Will Swing here.

One of my favorite exchanges of dialogue in any movie ever is in To Be Or Not To Be (which, yes, I do consider to be a holiday movie) and someone put it on the internet and you can watch it here (my favorite part is at roughly the 3 minute mark).

I would actually like to be on television in less than five years.