A Legend is Hatched! Barbra Streisand Special!
The birth of Barbra Streisand is the holiest day of the Jewish year.
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, the Birthday Special, nine, ten, the holiday gift guide, end of year bonus, eleven, twelve, and Jennifer Aniston and Joan Didion.
This past Sunday, April 24th of the Gregorian calendar marked the 80th birthday of Barbra Streisand, the most important Jew to ever live. The birth of Streisand is the holiest day of the Jewish year. She is our holy trinity of produced, directed, and starring—plus, written by because, after all, we are the people of the book (or, for those in Hollywood, adaptation of the book).
Barbra Streisand’s birthday is a very special holiday for me. They say representation matters, and I have never felt more represented than by Streisand. Am I talking about her film roles? Not entirely. Am I talking about her vocal abilities? Debatable. Am I talking about her personality being described as overly opinionated, controlling, and “not for everyone”? Absolutely. In Barbra, I see myself.
For the last few years, whenever I have e-mailed Hollywood executives, producers, and agents about how I should be famous, I have concluded my emails with, “Barbra Streisand will be [insert correct age] this April, and it is very important that Barbra be able to watch my television show. So time is of the essence here!” They usually respond with “How did you get this e-mail?” or “server error.” (Would Barbra get a response like this? No, probably not. And, sure, she had an Oscar at 26. But that was in 1969. So with inflation and global warming and the effects of people who voted for Regan, I am basically only 23.)
But time is of the essence! And enough is enough (is enough). It is time for the world to see the uncanny similarities between Streisand and me. As it says in that one document, when in the course of human events it is time for one people (who need people) to assume the powers of the Laws of Nature, one person—one very special person (meaning me, I am the special person) holds these truths to be self evident. And so…
A List of Ways That Victoria is Like Barbra Streisand (complied by Victoria)
We both are non-conformists.
We both think artistic control is far more important than money or acclaim. I’m proud to say that I have complete control over this newsletter and have not made a cent from it nor gotten any acclaim!
We have both performed musical numbers in Bergdorf’s. One of us was on national television. The other was asked what we were on. And then asked to leave.
We both consider leopard print a neutral.
We are both musical prodigies. A little known fact about me is I took piano lessons from the age of three until age eight. And in those five years, I did not learn how to read music or practice once.
Streisand has been writing her memoir for years, it is 824 pages long, and she’s still not done with it. (If I have to explain the similarity here, I have failed with this newsletter in every way.)
We both are interested in interior design and we both don’t like things that look “new” (furniture should have lived through at least one war where France was invaded). We also both love a decor theme like art deco or art nouveau or art of Barbra Streisand.
We are both hated by Republicans.
We both think everyone is entitled to our opinion.
We both have nemeses in the establishment. I am proud to say that I have not one, but two nemeses that have won Pulitzer Prizes.
We both are nemesis to the establishment.
When we don’t get what we want, we both do not take no for an answer. When Barbra lost a painting she really wanted at auction, she taught herself to paint so she could make her own version. I am currently learning about city planning so I can make my own Hollywood.
One of Streisand’s passions is investing in the stock market. Barbra wakes up every day at 6:30am to check the markets in New York. I, too, am a big fan of D’Agostino’s.
Streisand was the first explicitly Jewish star. I was the first explicitly Jewish star of my kindergarten class.
We both have had to face antisemitic remarks from theatre critics.
We are both loved by people who don’t know us, but face petty calumny from the people who do. Ah, the price of fame and/or paranoia and megalomania.
We both have directed movies. Okay, we have not both done this, but we both will do this! And who among you, my fans and friends of my fans, will help me accomplish this? (Note: New Therapist says I need to get better at asking people for things and confronting my friends about their non-supportive behavior. I am almost positive this is not what she meant. )
We both like to do all of our work while reclined in bed.
We both have contentious relationships with Joan Didion. I do not know this for a fact, but I think it’s fairly safe to assume that any two people who worked on A Star is Born had a contentious relationship. Meanwhile, while I have yet to get haunted by Joan’s ghost, I am hopeful! (If you still have not read it, here is me pretending to be Didion writing about Jennifer Aniston in the Los Angeles Review of Books—yes, this is real.)
We both have art collections. Barbra’s collection includes Klimt and Egon Schiele. My collection includes of photos of Barbra buying a Klimt and a Schiele.
We both think we’re always right
I know what you’re all thinking: “Victoria, we had no idea you could sing.”
As always, there is no better way to honor Barbra than by helping to make me famous. If you’d like to participate in this birthday tribute to Barbra (which, to be clear, is helping to make me famous), please let me know.
Barbra Streisand will be 81 next April, and it is very important that Barbra be able to watch my television show. So time is of the essence here!
Victoria
Footnotes:
Streisand won her first Oscar in 1969 for Best Actress for Funny Girl. Speaking of Funny Girl, I know everyone is waiting on my thoughts on the revival, even though I have no intention of seeing it. But, since my mind is never lacking in adventurous avenues of digression and since I am heavily influenced by what’s on television, I have stumbled on the perfect Jewish weirdo casting idea: Natasha Lyonne as Fanny. What a concept. Ideas like this are why I should be in charge of everything (‘everything’ meaning whatever interests me at any given moment).
“No More Tears (Enough is Enough)” is a song performed by Barbra and Donna Summer, “when in the course of human events…” is from the preamble to the Declaration of Independence, and “people who need people” is from the song “People” from Funny Girl.
Barbra’s first television special included a segment filmed at Bergdorf’s. I, too, will one day film a musical segment at Bergdorf’s.
A friend, recently and repeatedly, pointed out that Streisand built a pretend mall in the basement of her house, which according to my friend is, “a very weird thing to do” and begs a lot of questions about how this “mall” works logistically. Yes, Barbra’s current house does actually have “an avenue of shops” in the basement including a vintage clothing store, candy store, and doll store. And, okay, yes this does raise some logistical questions.
You will have to buy my memoir to find out who my Pulitzer Prize winning nemesis are.
D’Agostino’s is a New York City supermarket chain.
Barbra has faced a ton of antisemitism throughout her career, but I was specifically referring to John Simon of The New Yorker who said some things that were vile to the point where one wonders how The New Yorker was okay printing them. To find out which theatre critics have said antisemitic things about me, you will, again, have to buy my memoir.
Joan Didion wrote the screenplay for the Streisand A Star is Born. I am still available to create a mini-series about the making of the Streisand A Star is Born!
I do own a photo of Barbra buying art in her suite at Claridge’s on her first trip to London. On my first trip to London, I was stopped in the lobby of Claridge’s by a doorman who told me, “There is no running. This is Claridge’s.”
In addition to my photo of Barbra buying art, I have two other Barbra themed pieces. But I also have a set of “phases of Elizabeth Taylor napkins,” so I think I have a diverse collection.
