A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, the Birthday Special, nine, ten, the holiday gift guide, end of year bonus, and eleven.
The last few weeks have been extremely busy for me: World War Three started, I had to get a new phone, I went to Brooklyn... So I thought perhaps the best way to document this historic time in my life would be to share some recent correspondence with all of you, my fans and friends of my fans.
***
Dear Co-Op Board President,
It was nice to finally meet you in person, after only seeing your face through a computer screen during my co-op board interview. Sorry, if I seemed a little frazzled when we met the other morning. I swear I am usually much calmer!
Hope you have a good weekend and to see you again soon!
By the way, I was wondering, does the building have a nuclear fallout shelter?
Best,
Victoria
***
Dear Maintenance Department,
I was wondering if it would be possible to have an electrical outlet installed in my bedroom closet? That way, in the event of having to hide in my closet during an emergency (tornado, hurricane, nuclear attack), I could plug in a cell phone charger and would not have to worry about “conserving the battery.” Also, does the building have rules about mini-fridges in closets?
Thanks,
Victoria
***
Dear Caterers,
Caviar. Where are we on this?
Victoria
***
Dear Maintenance Department,
Yes, I see your point that in the event of a tornado, hurricane, or nuclear attack the power would most likely go off. But what about the electricity?
Victoria
***
Dear Friends,
It has come to my attention that my Putin on the Ritz themed housewarming party is, indeed, in poor taste. Therefore, I regret to inform you that my housewarming party has been canceled. I will be returning the tiny KGB outfit I was having custom made for my cat and donating the store credit to charity.
I noticed that in the many, many vehement e-mails I received on this matter, no one inquired if it would still be appropriate to send me a housewarming gift. How very kind of all of you to want to keep my gifts a surprise! As an apology for my tasteless theme party idea, to make it easy for all of you to get me a gift, I have registered at Bergdorf’s.
You’re welcome,
Victoria
***
Dear Zabar’s,
What is your return policy for large quantities of potatoes?
Thanks,
Victoria
***
Dear Neighbors,
I wanted to write and apologize for the negative publicity the building has incurred due to me pitching a television series about a group of Russian oligarchs living in an Upper West Side co-op. I thought by using the Upper West Side and not the Upper East Side, surely, people would know it was fiction. Obviously, I did not know that we do, in fact, have oligarchs in the building.
Many apologies,
Victoria
***
Dear Front Desk,
Just wanted to double check that my last email did not go to any of the oligarchs in the building? I would prefer if this snafu was not traced back to me. Also, who do I talk to about putting some extra locks on my door?
Victoria
***
Dear CIA,
ave-hay information-ay or-fay ou-yay!
Sincerely,
Victoria
P.S. Are you hiring?
***
Dear Doctor,
Could you be a little more specific about the symptoms of Havana Syndrome? What exactly do you mean by “auditory hallucinations?” Because that’s a term I’ve heard in the past, specifically whenever I have attempted to perform my cabaret act…
Victoria
***
Dear Front Desk,
Nyet. Very nyet.
Victoria
***
Dear Neighbors,
I wanted to apologize for my friend who was wandering through the lobby in a Putin mask and tap shoes. He did not get the message that my Putin on the Ritz party had been canceled. I can, of course, see how this may have been frightening and confusing for some residents (although I think the tap shoes should have been a give away!). I can also see how this incident was not helpful in the building’s ongoing negative publicity situation (which I think we can now all see was only my fault in the sense that I caused it). Hopefully, we can all use this as a learning experience about the value of checking e-mail in a timely manner!
Again, many apologies,
Victoria
P.S. Speaking of not getting messages, I wanted to double check that my emails are going through since no one is responding to me.
***
Dear Building Management,
I see that you assigned me space 77 in the garage. It appears that this space is at the very back of the garage and has many cars parked in front of it. In an event one has to flee NYC, this parking space seems like it would be a hindrance to getting out quickly. Is there any way I could get a parking spot closer to the exit?
Any help would be appreciated,
Victoria
***
Dear Neighbors,
Do any of you have a helicopter and or boat?
Victoria
***
Dear Next-Door Neighbors,
I am so sorry about the events that transpired yesterday in the hallway. But the good news is that my booby trap seems to have worked. Please let me know what hospital you are in so I can send flowers!
Get well soon!
Victoria
***
Dear Zabar’s,
I was wondering who I should speak to about a (sure to be very profitable!) joint business venture. Have you ever thought about doing a take-out counter in a parking garage? I have recently discovered the potential for a prolonged traffic jam when all the residents of my building attempt to flee upstate out of nuclear fallout range. I think having snacks available would really help with morale!
Look forward to hearing from you,
Victoria
***
Dear CIA,
Just wanted to check on the status of my application to become a secret agent! I’ve been telling everyone about my new career and they’re very excited for me!
Also, what ever happened with the Rambaldi Device?
Please print and burn after reading,
Victoria
***
Dear Neighbors,
I have noticed that no one is responding to my e-mails, so I just wanted to e-mail again to make sure that my e-mails are going through? Please let me know!
Victoria
***
And to all of you, my fans and friends of my fans, please print and burn after reading (and stay tuned for the publication of my Collected Correspondence, which will be available at your local nuclear fallout shelter) ,
Victoria
Footnotes:
Unfortunately, most buildings converted their fallout shelters to laundry rooms. Anyone who has watched as much TV as I have would know this was a poor choice.
For more tips on what to do in the event of a tornado, hurricane, or nuclear attack; check out my newsletter dedicated to emergency preparedness.
One of the most famous (and only important) of (president of the popular vote) Hillary Clinton’s e-mails was one that said, “Gefilte fish. Where are we on this?” This did actually relate to international diplomacy.
If any of my soon-to-be new neighbors are reading this, no, we do not have any oligarchs in the building… as far as I know. A local newspaper (that is totally reputable, I am sure) recently published a map of buildings with the most oligarchs in them and they were, in fact, mostly on the Upper East Side. However, if anyone thinks that a television show about a bunch of oligarchs in an UWS co-op sounds amazing, I am available!
There have been ongoing investigations about Havana Syndrome, but, obviously, it’s caused by Russia. Again, anyone who has watched as much TV as I have would know this.
“Nyet. Very nyet” is from Eloise in Moscow. An inspiring and continually relevant text.
The Rambaldi Device was an ongoing plot point on the television show Alias, which was, of course, based on a true story about the CIA.
Yes, I am available to do the film adaptation of these correspondences.
