A Legend is Hatched! A Change of Address
A guide to Manhattan real estate. You’re either the type of person who can make an entrance from the ceiling on a giant chandelier or you’re not.
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, the Birthday Special, nine, ten, the holiday gift guide, and end of year bonus.
The New Year is known as a time for change. This is, of course, if you believe in things like linear time and the calendar, which I do not, as I am an abstract thinker. But if there is one thing that is not at all widely known about me—since it is not especially true—it’s that I can go with the current moment! And so I pondered ways I could better myself. After that four minutes and twenty-three seconds, I took my bagel out of the toaster oven—an appliance I am proud to say I can use correctly almost all of some of the time—and remembered that change did not just have to mean inner change. No, change could be physical change, which we all know is the most aspirational kind of change since it usually involves spending money. So, yes, I would make a change: a change of address. That is right, I am moving!
Because I am a sensible person who knows how to do things like use a toaster oven correctly almost all of some of the time, I made a list of some questions to ask upon viewing potential apartments:
1. Does this apartment have any ghosts? Because it’s important for me to have people to talk to.
2. Do any movie stars live in this building? Because it’s important for me to have people who are relatable.
3. Do any producers live in this building? Because it is important for me to have people to stalk.
4. Do any former CIA agents live in this building? Because it’s important for me to have people to avoid. (It builds character.)
When picking an apartment it is important to know yourself and what your priorities are. You’re either the type of person who can make an entrance from the ceiling on a giant chandelier or you’re not.
You also have to understand your financial limitations. I have found that an apartment with a ballroom might not be in the cards for me right now. But that’s okay since it’s good to have something to aspire towards.
When viewing potential apartments, it is a good idea to think about where in the space you’ll stage your musical production numbers. It is also a good idea to keep these thoughts to yourself.
Windows are always a good idea. They are an especially good idea if you have a cat, as I do, who needs lots of mental stimulation and the chance to gaze upon her public. (However, please note that I will be getting curtains so access to my cat will continue to be limited as I use her to get people to like me and if they had independent access to her, I worry I’d have to do something radical like “be nice to people,” and that is not a step I am willing to take at this time.)
One should also think about the neighborhood your apartment will be in. When thinking about what neighborhood to live in it’s important to think about such things as: is this a neighborhood in walking distance of Bergdorf’s? Is this a neighborhood that can withstand natural disasters?
(It is also important to make sure your building can withstand natural disasters. The easiest way to tell if your building is sturdy is to jump up and down a lot. This is also a good way to introduce yourself to potential new neighbors.)
New York City is an island and flooding is a major concern so it is wise to pick a neighborhood that is above sea level. Additionally, it can’t hurt to invest in a good pool float. You should make sure your building has a bike room to store the pool float in. It’s also wise to have a doorman so there’s someone to inflate the pool float.
I decided to move to the Upper West Side and it occurs to me now that perhaps the Upper West Side has ‘upper’ in the name because it is uphill and above sea level. I always just assumed that it was because of its position on the map—assuming we’re all holding the map the same way, which I, of course, do not.
As far as nuclear weapons are concerned, unfortunately, most buildings have converted their fallout shelters into laundry rooms. Thus, I have come to the conclusion that location is a moot point here, and it is best to just hope that world leaders can’t tell the difference between New York and Newark. If you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is throw a Putin on the Ritz party.
If a UFO were going to land in Manhattan, I have determined that the most probable landing spot would be Central Park, since it’s the only place that has enough space, as parking in Manhattan is a real disaster. So it’s good to live by the Park because why delay the inevitable.
Restaurants and food sources are also important to take into consideration. For example, I have finally succumbed to my biological destiny of living within walking distance of Zabar’s.
The Upper West Side could use more restaurants, especially ones in the four-block radius of my new apartment. I am specifically thinking a needed addition is something with a Le Veau d’Or atmosphere where they can get away with not allowing cell phones and at least 50% of the customers live in pre-war doorman buildings where they have some mid-century watercolors in the living room that they got “ages ago” at auction, but have never bothered to update the kitchen. But, as always, I’m open to other options, as well.
I will also be living very close to Barbra Streisand’s old apartment. This is important for my spiritual well being.
A major part of New York City real estate is the Co-Op Board. You can google what a co-op is. I never bothered to.
I needed many letters of reference for my co-op board approval, but luckily I have many voices inside my head and they all suffer from high self-esteem so they were easy to write.
I also needed to submit a resume with my work history. You can google what work is. I never bothered to.
(there are, of course, many things that keep me occupied. Someone has to think about emergency planning.)
For my co-op board interview I was asked things about privacy. I am a very private person. That’s why I talk so much. I was also asked about my use of social media since there were famous people in the building who had a right to their privacy. I said I had a right to famousness so I would fit right in. I have been practicing for fame my whole life.
And who wouldn’t want me, someone who self-describes as over-privileged and under-boundaried, as their neighbor?
I know many of you are probably curious about what my new apartment looks like. But all I will say for now is the apartment has a fireplace but it is only decorative, which means that I will not be able to actually light a fire in it. But I think that is just as well given that my hair is often prone to flammability, as it needs to be kept quite large. After all, my hair is my only real chance at divinity.
I am told the apartment also has a kitchen. And, at the moment, no water.
Forward my fan mail,
Victoria
Footnotes:
I do, in fact, know how to use a toaster oven correctly almost all of some of the time.
I have yet to determine if my new apartment has any ghosts, but I am hopeful.
I once saw Cher make an entrance from the ceiling on a giant chandelier and the chandelier got stuck. This was in Cleveland.
If Putin has invaded Ukraine by the time anyone is reading this, I apologize for the joke and/or depending on how much things have escalated, you’re welcome.
“If you get caught between the Moon and New York City” is from “Arthur’s Theme” from the movie Arthur starring New York icon Liza Minnelli.
If you do not know what Zabar’s is, I am surprised you are reading this.
Le Veau d’Or was an UES restaurant and one of the last of the “can be graded on a Truman Capote scale” variety. It closed a few years ago, but was supposedly re-opening under different owners.
I will not be giving out Barbra’s old address, since, as stated, it is very close to my new apartment, and as a future famous person, I deserve my privacy to be disrupted by the paparazzi and only the paparazzi.
Co-op boards are real. Not something I made up.
The saying “the higher the hair, the closer to God” and is attributed to Dolly Parton. But it’s also probably in the Torah.
