A Legend is Hatched! Holiday Gift Guide
Victoria’s Holiday Gift Guide of Her Early Work Available for the Very Second Time!
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, the Birthday Special, nine, and ten.
One of the things that is widely known about me—because I keep shouting it at people—is that I am a renowned tastemaker. Just ask any of my personalities! Some of you might think that I only go to Bergdorf’s to lie down and think about my feelings—but no! I also go there to think about what to buy my feelings.
With the holiday season upon us, it’s a time for gift giving, which, as a tastemaker, is one of my areas of expertise. And as a gift to all of you, I asked myself, what would make the perfect gift guide? And don’t worry. The answer came to me like pre-meditated inspiration… A list of my unproduced early screenplays, all available to option.
I have opened the vault and am making these projects, from my archive, available for the very second time. Every work on this list was written before the age of eighteen making them a great gift for all the Hollywood executives on your list. And any of them could go on to make the lucky recipient dozens of dollars.
In these difficult times, it was important for me to ask myself how I could be of service to you in helping my career.
And so I present…
Victoria’s Holiday Gift Guide of Her Early Work Available for the Very Second Time
(for more current work, please inquire!)
OJ Simpson: The Musical!—A musical romp with OJ and the gang. Prosecutor Marcia Clark faces off against defense attorney Johnny Cochran in a battle of wills and witty rejoinders. Featuring a supporting cast of bickering jurors, meddling CNN correspondents, and Kato Kaelin. A screwball comedy about the trial of the century.
OJ Simpson: Trip Around the World—In this sequel to OJ Simpson: The Musical! the gang is all back (sans OJ who is in jail) and they’re taking a trip around the world. Marcia Clark needs a break from her fast paced life so she books herself an extended vacation on a trip around the world. Only who does she find is seated next to her? Her nemesis, Johnny Cochran. Stuck on a very long flight, a boat ride, and a train, Marcia and Johnny realize they can’t escape the characters of their old lives. Chaos and comedy ensues.
The Cornwall’s of Connecticut—An homage to classic screwball comedies and the state where adventures happens: Connecticut. Brother and sister, Irene and Harry, are very, very rich and very unhappy. Irene dreams of stardom and Harry dreams of being a farmer. But their family has other plans for them—their father does, anyway; their mother is too busy with her protégé. Irene and Harry take matters into their own hands and the scheming begins. From an adventure on a farm to uncovering a Nazi plot on a yacht; this is a story full of musical numbers and dramatic entrances on grand staircases.
Untitled Art Heist Project—an adaptation of an original short story, which was a re-telling of the author’s earlier work Where is the Will? In this comic caper a painting is stolen from a local art museum by one of the museum’s trustees in order to boost its value. A film for the whole family based on a not-exactly-but-could-be-true family story. Dedicated to all our grandmothers.
Cross My Heart and Kiss My Elbow –The story of an aspiring actress in New York City and her neighbors, including an adolescent named Victoria. A centerpiece scene is when the protagonist throws a dinner party, burns the chicken, and then uses cookie cutters to cut it into festive shapes. Written in Microsoft Word to imitate Final Draft, this is a charming homage to Breakfast at Tiffany’s and the author’s Audrey Hepburn period, when she told all her classmates she was a distant relation. Travel to the glamorous world of fictional New York City where everyone wears big sunglasses and even bigger hats.
Summer Theatre Camp project—a parody about a local summer theatre camp where the instructors are fed up and the performers are “very…okay.” When the local millionaire funding the theatre camp is found out to be a fraud, the camp must perform in order to prove that they are not. If you’re looking for a project where halfway through the script the character names are abandoned for the names of the real people they were based on—and where everyone ends up in jail—this is the project for you!
Untitled Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt project—A project about Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
Untitled Project One—It’s almost the new millennium and two unhappy Ohio teens deal with their ennui by writing a screenplay about what their lives would be like if they were adults in New York City because, as one of them says, “the only people who look back at childhood fondly are those who can’t remember it.” In a true experiment in form and magical thinking, this story takes us into the mind of a fourteen-year-old—and to restaurants that are now closed.
Untitled Project Two—What would happen to your life if you found out you were related to one of the most famous people in the world? Written as a vehicle for the author to become a famous person and for her to work with a famous person, this is a dark comedy about fame and family, but mostly fame. The perfect story for those avoiding reality now, then, and always.
Untitled Ohio Political Campaign Project—With a Presidential election looming, all eyes are on Ohio and what better way to turn out the vote than by bringing a busload of celebrities to the state? As the Hollywood stars make their way across the Ohio landscape, they find that they have not left their personal problems (and, in one case, their dog) in LA. With a cast of characters that includes the out-of-touch and the out-of-their-minds, this is a story for those who thought Primary Colors could work as a rom-com.
And if you are truly looking for something special, in addition to the above projects, you can also buy stock in my fully vertically integrated company, founded at age eleven, Eccentric Enterprises. As outlined in my sixth grade autobiography, Eccentric Enterprises has four main branches: Entrepreneuing; Law, Publishing, and Stocks; Advertising; and Theatrical, which houses my production company Hello There Productions. Eccentric Enterprises was recently valuated at one billion dollars—probably. This is a truly special opportunity to really make your gift shine!
All of these great works are available to purchase by e-mailing me and supplying a suitcase of cash. Remember, only a few more shopping days until Christmas!
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Lastly, the other week I read Mel Brooks’ memoir, since it’s nice to read something, other than this newsletter, with a character I can relate to. And so I thought I would end with a quote of his from a recent interview that I find reflects the true meaning of the holiday season.
Question: Which living person do you most admire?
Answer: Probably me, but I don’t think I’m supposed to say that!
So, again, for more current work and pitches, please inquire—I mean, I am begging you: inquire!
Happy Holidays!
Victoria
Footnotes
Every single one of these is real.
