Greetings from my bathtub!
New York City is experiencing a heat wave. Yesterday, my building sent out an e-mail asking all residents to conserve energy. I read the e-mail while lying on the chaise lounge, so I figured I already had this covered. But then I kept reading and realized what they were actually asking was for us not to use much electricity. After putting my fur hats in the refrigerator, I thought about all my poor neighbors being forced to pretend to turn off their air-conditioners during this heat wave. This left me with only one option: go down to my building’s lobby and perform the lounge medley from Sister Act. Let me tell you, one really sweats a lot in that many sequins, but as Halston said to Liza, “if you’re going to be shiny, be shiny all over!”
And while I may no longer be allowed in the lobby unsupervised, we have now settled the debate of what is louder: me or an air-conditioner. I am proud to say the winner was me.
Luckily, I am known for my pluck, and immediately got to work on other ways I could get attention during this heatwave. I have also been working on perfecting my recipe for ice.
So, for all of my fans and people I signed up for this newsletter without their consent, here are some past editions of this newsletter that make for great heat wave reading. Feel free to share with your friends and agents!
And, as a special bonus, at the end I am including my recipe for ice.
“I Run for Mayor”
What was it that made you decide to run for mayor?
I was reading an article about the current administration where it was reported that people thought the mayor couldn’t get any worse, and I said to myself, “Now that sounds like a job for me!”
And what is your platform?
I don’t take the subway.
Your opponents have comprehensive plans to address corruption in city hall—they’ve given it a lot of thought.
I can confidently say that’s not an issue my campaign has.
(read more here)
“I Save Bergdorf’s”
The fire is what inspired the flood. Because this matter is of Biblical importance. And because the sprinkler system went off.
(read more here)
“I Look for UFOs”
I had heard that a spy balloon UFO had been shot down “off the coast,” so I decided to rent a boat. Would you believe that I learned how to sail a boat while trying to escape from Russian spies off the Sea of Japan. No, no one believes that. So the boat sank.
(read more here)
“I Pay Taxes”
I figured I might as well continue telling Accountant about my business expenses. He said we’d see if there was anything that could be a deduction. I said I thought there would be since, professionally, people were always trying to write me off.
(read more here)
“I Have Breakfast at Tiffany’s”
There I was: just me and my ennui. I started strumming my guitar and played a song that I’d written in my sleep called “Moon Tributary.” It’s about two drifters who are off to see the world—meaning Los Angeles and parts of Europe.
(read more here)
You can find the full archive here.
Victoria’s Recipe for Ice
Step 1: Order caviar.
Step 2: Take caviar out of packaging and remove the ice pack (to be stored in the freezer).
Step 3: Open the freezer. Look, ice!
Tally-ho from my bathtub,
Victoria
P.S. If you missed it, I was a guest in this month’s Mise-En-Scène where I talked about the movie Holiday and what upcoming theatre thing I am most excited about. And more! Read it here.
