A Legend is Hatched! I Save Bergdorf's!

You will see how this could have happened to anyone with my personality and my self-esteem and my hair.

A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Or an over-privileged and under-boundaried person's quest for fame and the assuaging of her own ego.  Read past editions here.

As I am sure most of you have read by now, I am currently embroiled in a legal issue (of various magnitude depending on who you ask) with Bergdorf’s. Some of you might be thinking, “No, I have not read about this.” Well, yes, you literally just did.

Earlier, I had to explain the matter to Lawyer, who made me write to him as he thought that would be better for both of our nerves. I said what would be good for my nerves was to go to Bergdorf’s and lie down—after all, I have had a very trying ordeal. But Lawyer said I couldn’t go to Bergdorf’s. I told Lawyer I didn’t see why a legal issue (of various magnitude depending on who you ask) involving multiple lawsuits should get in the way of my routines. And Lawyer said this is why he’d prefer to have all of my statements in writing because “otherwise no one will ever believe it.”

And so, for the sake of my nerves, I am sharing my letter to Lawyer with all of you, my fans and future trial audience.

Dear Lawyer,

As requested, I am writing to you to explain the incidents that occurred during the first two weeks of August at Bergdorf’s and that have resulted in lawsuits of which you say there are a “bizarre amount.”

I think you will see, after reading my letter, how this could have happened to anyone with my personality and my self-esteem and my hair.

It all started when I read one of the most horrifying sentences to ever cross my over-sized sunglasses: Bergdorf’s might be being sold to new corporate owners. You can only imagine how disturbed my cat was when she heard my screams—she was forced to roll over. I knew that nothing good could come of this sale as, so often, a sale leads to change and ruin. Bergdorf’s must persevere, as it is a beacon of all that makes Manhattan special—a light unto the boroughs. As you know, I have always had an interest in city planning and historical preservation.

I knew I had to stop this sale and save Bergdorf’s. Who better than me, with my thorough knowledge of sitcom television, to take on this important action? My efforts to sabotage the sale would make me a modern folk hero—I would save Bergdorf’s and get my portrait up on the wall outside of the restaurant on the seventh floor, which has always been one of my goals. And, Lawyer, I am told that my photo is now up—in the basement by security.

Thus, I set out to save Bergdorf’s. This is when things started to go awry.  

Naturally, my first instinct was to stage a musical number, but I figured that might make Bergdorf’s even more appealing to buyers and what I needed to do was scare away potential buyers. So I set out to show that Bergdorf’s was haunted.

In hindsight, yes, I should have realized that my ghost costume—a white sheet—could have been misinterpreted given Bergdorf’s unfortunate proximity to Trump Tower.

Now to address the matter of the fire.

It was a small fire. Need I say more? No, but I will. I ask you; how can one have a credible séance without candelabras?  Although, I supposed I should have been more aware of exactly where the feathers were landing in relation to the candelabras.

The fire is what inspired the flood. Because this matter is of Biblical importance. And because the sprinkler system went off.

After everyone had dried off, I moved on to the classic trick of “let’s turn the premises into a farm.” This was, of course, a major plot point in my musical, written at age thirteen, The Cornwall’s of Connecticut. I assume you have read The Cornwall’s of Connecticut, Lawyer, as you also handle my intellectual property issues of which I am told I have many.   

Lawyer, as you are a graduate of Harvard Mini-Golf Course, I am sure I don’t have to tell you that the farm theme is what led to the barnyard animals roaming around the store. To be clear: this was on purpose. So, I am really not sure what the issue is here as all the barnyard animals performed superbly. It is the people who were the issue. This reminds me—could you help arrange to return the five pigs, two goats, and one cow that I borrowed? They live in the country. I’m not sure exactly where, but I assume you have an atlas.

After this, I began to think that maybe I should think more specifically about the potential buyers. After all, they say success is in the details!

The potential buyer, LVMH, is a French company owned by a French C.E.O., so I thought it might be good to focus on something that would scare the French specifically. Only what would that be! A fake German buyer? No, with the French that could really go either way. Invading Russia in winter? But would that be geopolitically confusing at the moment? And where would I get that much snow?

That is how I settled on the British. And that brings us to the bagpipe player.

In the future, I will get a permit for “any and all musicians.” But, you know, the definition of “attempted corporate sabotage” does rather imply that one simply does not have time to get a permit. And, to be fair, the policy of ignoring rules seems to have worked out well for many people on Wall Street and in business. Why should 5^th Avenue and a movie-star-in-her-own-mind  be held to a different standard?  

This reminds me: can you please have Money Manger pay the bagpipe player? Although, I don’t know what he’s complaining about as I promised him exposure and he got it!

I am sure you are also wondering about the 200 bedazzled pink lawn flamingoes that ended up at your office as evidence. You see, after the unfortunate arrest of the bagpipe player, I decided to pivot from the British to Americans. And that’s why I covered the store in bedazzled pink lawn flamingos. This is the type of thinking that some people call genius—and leads other people to stop calling me. If you know anyone who would be interested in purchasing a bedazzled pink lawn flamingo, please let me know. I think I can probably mark them up, now that they’ve been involved in a lawsuit, and make a nice profit. Don’t worry, I will ask Money Manager about this as I know you have a lot on your plate right now.

This brings us to the 500 pineapples. I thought pineapples might be confusing to the French. No, I can’t explain this.

So, as you can see, there is a perfectly logical explanation for everything that happened. Am I innocent of the things I have been accused of in these many lawsuits? No. But am I guilty of things like “corporate espionage,” “insider trading,” or “humility”? Also, no. I think we can both agree that my only real crime is caring too much about things that affect me. And isn’t this why I have you, Lawyer?

Of course, now we have to wait and see if I have succeeded in my mission to save Bergdorf’s! Imagine how I felt when I checked the stock market this morning and saw that Bergdorf’s shares had fallen so low that they weren’t even listed! Victory seemed to be in my grasp. So, you see, Lawyer, I have learned a valuable lesson. The next time I attempt to sabotage the sale of a privately owned company, I promise I will learn about the stock market first!

And I do think, despite the many lawsuits, Bergdorf’s might be saved after all. Because if there is one thing that wealthy businessmen hate, it’s scandals involving women who are famous in their own minds and scandals involving flamingoes. Wealthy businessmen only like scandals when they involve their sons running over golf carts with their yachts.  

If you would like any more information on the aforementioned events, do not hesitate to take me to lunch at Bergdorf’s and ask.

Victoria

Footnotes

I am sorry to say that there have been rumors that Bernard Arnault (C.E.O. of LVMH) is trying to buy Bergdorf’s. I read about it in Lauren Shermen’s Puck column, which you can find here. I recommend reading it with sunglasses on. LVMH recently bought Tiffany’s and is responsible for the appalling renovation of their 5^th Avenue store. They should not be allowed to touch Bergdorf’s! Also, the plot seems to be thickening now as Saks is maybe buying Neiman Marcus, which owns Bergdorf’s. It’s all too much!

There’s a wall of photos documenting Bergdorf’s history and famous clientele outside of BG restaurant on the 7^th floor. My photo is not there yet, but I assume it will be there any day now.

The Cornwall’s of Connecticut is a two-act musical comedy written when I was thirteen. It tells the story of the Cornwall family and the attempts of the adult Cornwall siblings to lead their own lives. It also features stealing barnyard animals and a yacht belonging to a Nazi.

Napoleon tried to invade Russia in winter.

Pink lawn flamingoes are chic.

Bergdorf’s is owned by the Neiman Marcus Group, which is owned by private equity, and not a publicly traded company. The 5^th Avenue building is still owned by the Goodman family.