A Legend is Hatched! Summer Homes, 2023!

Some people’s childhood dreams were shaped by Disney, mine were shaped by Truman Capote’s Answered Prayers.

A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Or an over-privileged and under-boundaried person's quest for fame and the assuaging of her own ego.  Read past editions here.

The other day, while in Central Park taking my daily walk (something I try to do at least once every two weeks), I noticed that all of the Bernese Mountain Dogs had vanished from the park.  At first, I thought maybe there was a dognapping ring operating between Park Avenue and Central Park West, but then I realized the dogs’ disappearance symbolized something else.  For they had not been dognapped, they had been chauffeured to the Hamptons and certain parts of Connecticut.  And that means it is almost summer.

Having spent the summers of my childhood in the plains of Kenya or floating down the Amazon, I never feel like it is truly summer unless I am being chased by something (preferably the paparazzi or over-eager autograph seekers).  It is a confusing time for me. I hate leisure, because I love to work—and someday I will get around to actually doing it.

The movie I was supposed to write, direct, star in, and produce this summer got canceled. I am sure you have all heard about what is happening in Hollywood. I have heard about it too.

I went to see my agent and told her I needed a summer project. She said that for the millionth time she was not that kind of agent.  I told her that, in that case, I’d be open to theatre too—if it was a musical where I could tap dance and play the ukulele, as I am convinced I have both of those skills. She said, no, again, she was not that kind of agent. I stared at her a while trying to figure this out. Then it occurred to me, “Oh, you’re CIA! Yes, I suppose this day was bound to come.” That’s when she told me she was a real estate agent.  I guess that explains why she helped me buy my apartment; I had just assumed that was because she knew I used my living space for my art.

Agent (née Entertainment) said she’d be happy to help me with summer plans in the form of helping me buy a summerhouse outside of New York City. Well, people are always telling me to get away.  And, as I always say, while some people’s childhood dreams were shaped by Disney, mine were shaped by Truman Capote’s Answered Prayers.

I know what some of you are thinking: For someone who loves room service as much as I, wouldn’t I be happier in a hotel?  But if there’s one thing I have learned from never being asked to stay at anyone’s house, it’s that you can get room service anywhere, if you try hard enough.

As some of you may have tried to block out, last summer I complied a carefully thought-out list of homes around the world that were all available for purchase.  However, I neglected to think of how they could be purchased—a problem I am proud to say I have yet to crack!  But as they say in murder mysteries, “it’s not the how; it’s the why!”

And so, once again, I have complied a list of possible summer home properties for all of you, my fans and friends of my fans, to look over and help advise on which one(s) should be purchased (feel free to also advise on the how!).  To make a fully informed decision, please click on the link for each property.

Victoria’s Summer Real Estate List 2023

** Spend your summer on the French Riviera in this villa, which was built in 1911 and has seen its fair share of summer shenanigans.  This home has sea views and a roof terrace with summer dinning room. There’s also terraced gardens, a pool, and a large wooded park. The lost generation will have nothing on you because on this property you can literally get lost.

** Dreaming of Green Acres? Look no further than this estate on Ibiza named “The Farm” (despite not actually being a farm). The Gabor sisters would feel right at home here given that this estate features multiple houses, meaning that there’s lot of room for dogs, wigs, and to avoid people you’ve slapped. And with its high vantage point, with this property you’ll get your fresh air and penthouse view!

** Life is made up of phases of Elizabeth Taylor, so get the perfect home for your “Divorcing John Warner” phase. Ces bottes sont faites pour marcher, so marcher to The South of France and your very own Belle Époque style mansion overlooking the coast.  This home has a terrace and terraced gardens—plus a cinema room with a bar. A great place to say “Au Revoir Tristesse” and “Bonjour caftans.”

** Don’t just follow the royal family drama, in this Eaton Square mansion in London you can have your own. With multiple rooms for formal entertaining, your life will be turned into a Peter Morgan or Julian Fellows television show in no time! This home is situated on a garden square and has serene views that allow for easy contemplation of the aristocracy.  And, much like the looting that helped to originally build this home, at under 50 million, it’s a real steal!

** For those looking for something more adventurous, here is a private island compound off the coast of Finland that was once home to harbor pilots and sea rescues. With its proximity to Russia, you don’t just have to read about international incidents; in this home you’ll have the opportunity to be an international incident. And with multiple buildings, there’s plenty of room for Putin on the Ritz. Don’t worry; it comes with all the equipment you’ll need to run sea operations!

** Have you recently stepped down from your place in a Royal Family and now find yourself adrift in America? Well, get the best of both worlds with this castle… in Connecticut. It comes with both a security system and a moat.

** If you ever thought Cher would make a good interior designer, this 16^th century villa in Pisa, Italy might be for you. This home was once home to Italian nobility and features a private chapel, and watchtower. With it’s amalgamation of historical styles and frescos on nearly every wall depicting Italy’s past, you’ll really be able to turn back time.

** If you are looking to put your own stamp on a home, look no further than this castle in France. It comes with a vineyard and has it’s own Romanesque church, the combination of which makes it the perfect place to have your own in-castle cabaret. As the saying goes, “every person should be king of their own home” and in this home you literally can be. After all, you have to see it to be it. And in this home you can—and even get a tax rebate for it!

** Avoid the masses and head off to the sophisticated destination of Dubrovnik! The Admiral Residence was formerly the summer destination of Dubrovnik nobility, and it can be the future destination for the nobility in their own minds. This home is completely enclosed by layers of stonewalls.  After all, there’s a reason all the tony cognoscenti find the Balkans a ball! As Liza sang: you gotta ring them bells!

** Get a view that is truly inspiring with this soon-to-be built mansion outside of Cairo. Just picture yourself in your very own infinity pool, lying on pool float shaped like a giant white swan, and gazing at the Great Pyramids of Giza. The perfect home for the competitive spirit!

** This “royal style” mansion in Caesarea, Israel will have people saying your taste is truly remarkable.  In addition to plentiful gold-leaf, this home features an indoor pool with multiple chandeliers, a grand staircase, a fountain, and pinball machine room. Yes, with this home, you can really give the antisemites something to talk about! 

** With all the tumult in the world, there’s only one place to go: your own chateau in Switzerland. This historic home has plenty of details that will harken you back to days of yore and international intrigue including a secret staircase. Plus, the basement has multiple galleries housing both a wine cellar and showroom. And if there’s one thing you can be sure of in Switzerland it’s that you never know what you might find hiding in vaults in the basement!

***

Please let me know which of these homes I should acquire (many of the ones on last year’s list are also still available!). And, yes, I will, of course, be inviting people to stay. Because if there’s one thing every good hostess needs, it’s an audience.

Call my agent,

Victoria

Special Announcement: for those following the saga of my bathtub, it has finally made its way across the Atlantic and has been installed in my apartment. You may see photos here. 

Footnotes

In the last six months it seems like there’s been an explosion of Bernese Mountain Dogs in Central Park.  Assuming I am not just seeing the same dog with different people within its employee, are Bernese Mountain Dogs the new NYC status symbol?

I did spend my childhood summers in places like Kenya and the Amazon Rainforest. I wrote about it (with photographs) here.

Here is how I explained Answered Prayers last year (this explanation still holds): Answered Prayers is Truman Capote’s unfinished novel. Believed to be a roman a clef about Capote and his friends, parts of it were published in Esquire, which led to Capote losing most of his friends. Although the novel was never finished, the existing sections were published after Capote’s death as Answered Prayers. I read it in high school and it became one of my favorite novels, which is an excellent example of someone showing you exactly who they are.

Green Acres is one of the most important television shows of all time and features an iconic theme song. 

John Warner was Elizabeth Taylor’s sixth husband. He wanted her to dress more conservatively.

“Ces bottes sont faites pour marcher” is the French version of “These Boots Were Made for Walking.”

Bonjour Tristesse is a novel by Françoise Sagan set on the French Riviera. The title translates as “Hello Sadness.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about Cher in Italy because I’m deeply frustrated that her classic film Tea with Mussolini isn’t available digitally.

“Ring them Bells” is a Kander and Ebb song written for Liza Minnelli. It has many verses and in high school I subjected people to all of them.

There is a long and fascinating history of aesthetic antisemitism (a term I may have made up) that is deeply embedded within the history of criticism. This was especially true in France around the accumulation of art and objects from the Louis XVI period.

For those wondering, yes, I have the wardrobe (including hats and sunglasses) for all of these homes.