A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Read chapters one, two, three, four, five, and six.
We traveled west with the sun—across the International Date Line—going towards the past and the future all at once. Thousands of miles above the surface of the earth, all of us got closer to that promised land of Vladivostok, known for its many shades of grey. I sat back and sipped my smuggled aboard Diet Coke as the windows and seats of the Aeroflot jet rattled through the sky. Suddenly, from a few rows behind me, I sensed something was amiss. I nonchalantly went to switch the CD in my Discman, and in the reflection the Music from the Films of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, Disc One’s shiny surface, I saw the Russian mafia seated a few rows behind me. Despite it being a few years before “I can see Russia from my house” would become the most prescient political statement of our time, I already knew that the Russian mafia and the Russian intelligence service were basically the same. And that the Russian mafia/spy presence on the plane meant only one thing: they were on the trail of the LeBam Weapon, which was an early iteration of The Rambaldi Device. Luckily, so was I.
Many years Later (or the Present)
As repeatedly stated, one of the things that is widely known about me—because I keep telling it to people—is that I would make an excellent spy. “Yes, truly excellent,” I think to myself during my morning thinking-about-me time when I lay in bed and have my breakfast caviar. It is, no doubt, as shocking to you as it is to me that the CIA has yet to recruit me. So, after finishing my caviar, I go to get my laptop, which I am almost certain I left under a pile of clothing in the refrigerator. Returning to my bed, after a 27 minute search for the laptop, I go to the CIA website and type, “spy” into the career search field—because apparently I have to do everything myself—only to find that it yields no results. But of course it doesn’t! This is the CIA, after all, and I don’t have lots of pairs of sunglasses for nothing.
Despite the fact that I have yet to become an official spy—and don’t worry, I will tell everyone when I do—I do have a lot of experience working freelance in this field. And so there is only one thing to do: fluff my pink silk pillows, sit back, and reflect on all of my espionage missions around the globe. Think of it as a resume being sent out to the world and to you—and to whoever is reading your emails.
Kenya (some years ago)
My first freelance mission as a spy! I was based at a safari camp where cocktail hour started very early, and left me free to roam the grounds looking for suspicious activity. Things got off to a rocky start when I spotted something moving in the brush. Knowledgeable as I was, I knew right away that it was a crocodile, and not just any crocodile, but one outfitted with a recording device (it is common knowledge that intelligence agencies often recruit animals as spies—the most common being the dolphin and the Yorkshire Terrier). I immediately summed everyone to come look at my discovery. However, it turned out it was just a very large iguana.
A few days later, I found myself on a small boat that got stranded in the middle of a large lake when the motor broke down. I knew this meant I was on the right path, as this is what is called “an obstacle” and something that happens frequently to spies. I surmised that I had likely been sabotaged by a Russian agent who was trying to prevent me from getting to my contact and delivering my secret message (which I’d been in the process of making up when the engine broke down). Luckily, I have never been at a loss for words or accessories, and so I knew that sunhats not only added an extra touch of class to any outfit, but they also could be used as paddles. And thus my oversized hat, which had proved a problem for the airline, proved the perfect tool to paddle back to shore where I successfully delivered my message, which I was forced to improvise because of all the paddling.
The Amazon Rainforest, Peru
Ah the Amazon Rainforest! One of the places with the greatest biodiversity on the planet and the inspiration for an early ‘90s computer game, which was the sequel to the popular early ‘90s computer game, The Oregon Trail, which, while less dramatic, lay the groundwork for later understanding exactly what Joan Didion meant when she wrote about the Donner Party.
In the Amazon, I once again encountered Russian spies who, like countless others, were searching the Amazon for planets that could be used for various nefarious purposes, and/or looking for ways to more quickly bring about climate change. I knew that it was up to me to stop the Russian spy from leaving his yacht and venturing further into the Amazon. I needed a mad frenzy! “How did you do that,” you might ask since I am writing both sides of the dialogue. As previously established, the best way to cause a mad frenzy and/or diversion is by staging an elaborate musical number. This is something I was (and am) perpetually prepared to do. However, with nature providing such a vast canvas, my performance of Proud Mary (with full choreography) ran the risk of being upstaged, despite the fact that I had managed to quickly change into a red sequined outfit. Thus there was really no choice, but to fall into the Amazon River.
Egypt
In the mid-90s I found myself crossing the desert on a camel, which is the only way to travel if you’re interested in testing out how compatible you really are with your astrological sign. I was off to the great pyramids to uncover the mysteries held within. But just as I got close to the first pyramid, I was stopped by a guard who wouldn’t let me enter.
In my lifelong rigorous study of I Love Lucy, I learned that there are two go-to personas to take on for any sticky situation. The first, pose as someone’s agent. This let’s you demand just about anything, including a four-picture deal and profit participation. However, given that Egypt is still recovering from 1963’s Cleopatra, which was filmed in Italy, I thought this might be insensitive. The second is to pose as a member of the monarchy, which seemed like a better choice in this instance. Because if there’s one thing that’s loved the world over, it’s the monarchy. And so, I pretended to be a member of the royal family—you know, one of the cousins.
I started towards my goal of interpreting the hieroglyphics, only to realize that pyramids do not get a lot of light. It was very dark and narrow, which meant I had to think extra loudly. The passage continued to narrow and I continued to realize I did not like small, dark places. So I turned around. After all, in my heart I knew I was and excellent spy, and, therefore, physical discomfort was not required. I decided that going and buying some statues of cats was a better use of time. As Elizabeth Taylor said about acting, “I hate the idea of always having to interpret other people’s ideas and thoughts and words, because I’m very independent and, I guess, a free thinker.”
Russia (or back to where we started)
East of Siberia, I continued on the trail of the LeBam Weapon. I passed by a gulag and then another, until I was totally in the wilderness and faced with my biggest challenge yet: camping. There’s an old Jewish saying that goes, “my idea of a picnic is opening the windows at La Grenouille.” I believe you can find it in the Talmud.
My map indicated that I was very far from The Ritz (both of them), and there wasn’t even a Hilton in sight—or as they’re know in Siberia “sanatoriums.” It looked like I’d be forced to camp. I had no supplies for camping as my luggage mostly consisted of train riding outfits. And given that Russia is the land of caviar and potatoes—the two main food groups—I didn’t think to bring my own. As there was also no champagne in sight, I was sent off with a water filter to make seawater drinkable. And as I sat on the edge of the sea, pretending to gather water into the water filter, the water filter slowly floated out to the Sea of Japan. But was it really a water filter? Or was it, perhaps, something more symbolic… if you see what I mean, which people hardly ever do, which just goes to prove my point.
Many Years Later (or, again, the present)
As I sit here, reflecting on all of my spy work I can only say that there are some truths that are self-evident. And I expect a call from the CIA any day.
I know some of you are probably questioning the morality of spying for America, given the trouble history and America’s imperialistic aims. Yes, America is messed up and solipsistic—but so am I!
And like any good spy, I will leave you with following thought, “please call my agent about my four picture deal with profit participation.”
Burn after reading,
Victoria
Status Report:
Am I famous yet? No.
Do I have my own television show yet? No.
Is this really happening? Yes
Footnotes:
In the mid-‘90s, I was on a flight where there was an incident concerning the Russia mafia. When the plane had to re-fuel, the crew left the mafia members at the airport, which was basically a shack in the middle of nowhere. About a week later, there was a mafia shooting at the hotel where I was staying.
I never flew Aeroflot Internationally, but I have flown it within Russia. I do not recommend it.
“I can see Russia from my house” is a line written and performed by Tina Fey while impersonating Sarah Palin. Yes, I did have to google to make sure Palin did not actually say this.
The Rambaldi Device was the weapon/ongoing plot point on the TV show Alias, which premiered in 2001.
I am pretty sure working without knowing if the people in charge actually know you exist and/or without getting paid is called “freelance.” At least that’s what the entertainment industry has taught me.
There are many animal conspiracy theories related to the Mossad (seriously, there’s a whole Wikipedia page about them) including that they recruited dolphins to be spies (something the US and Russia apparently actually did try and do). However, my favorite conspiracy theory is that Jews have a magical vegetable and that’s why, despite numerous attempts, they’ve never been killed off. I like to believe that vegetable is the potato.
In Kenya, while left un-supervised, some friends I did think we’d located a crocodile that did turn out to be an iguana. There was also an incident involving getting stranded in the middle of a lake and having to use hats to paddle back.
The Donner Party was a group of pioneers traveling to California who things did not go terrifically for, but who have proved very good to Joan Didion.
I have been submerged in the Amazon waters, although I believe it was a tributary.
People ask me a lot about the best international travel destination for children (okay, I was asked this once—I mean sort of asked—okay, I volunteered the information, but volunteered it at an appropriate time) and I think the best place to start traveling with kids is Egypt.
Cleopatra was mainly filmed in Italy, but it can never really be held to temporal standards as it contains multitudes.
La Grenouille is a French restaurant on 52ndStreet, which if anyone would like to invite me to, I could probably make myself available.
I was forced to camp in Siberia and was asked to be in charge of the water purifier and did let said water purifier float out to sea.
The majority of clothing pictured, does in no way reflect my sartorial sense at the time. The exception being the clothing worn in Egypt, which was almost entirely from the Limited Too, a very popular store for girls in the post-Clueless era.
The change in my hair between Egypt and Russia was the result of my mother once walking into my room and declaring that if my hair didn’t look presentable in ten minutes she would cut it all off. It wasn’t and she did. For years, I told my friends that it had to be cut off after it got stuck in an electric mixer, a rouse they saw through as it begged the question, “what were you doing in a kitchen?” To this day, my mother believes the story about the electric mixer.
One time, when I was bored, I did start filling out an application for the CIA. It seems to have since disappeared. I guess I nailed it.
