A Legend is Hatched! I Am Not the Biggest Menace to My Building!
I am confronted with the fact that I have two options: help solve the problem or create a bigger one.
Prologue:
It is spring in New York City and the city blooms with possibility.
Tuesday, March 18th
9:45am: I receive an article about someone menacing my apartment building. I am surprised by this because usually when I get any press it’s been proceeded by me founding a publication and writing about myself, which is not something I remember doing lately but, then again, I have had a lot going on in my brain what with the seasons changing and all.
9:47am: After skimming the article, I have learned that the article is not about me. I am not the menace?
9:57am: Having recovered enough from the shock, I absorb the information that two people scaled the façade of my building to take photos of themselves on top of the building’s decorative towers. Apparently, they were up there photographing themselves for roughly 20 minutes. My first thought is, “Yes, it is hard to get an unobstructed photo of oneself with the sunset in Manhattan.” My second thought is, “I am being upstaged.” Time to go find some rope!
10:30am: I receive an email from my building. The building tells us the photos are fake and were made with AI. The believe someone wants to cause panic in the building. I wonder how my enemies found out where I live?
10:35am: I untie all my bedsheets and electrical cords and stop working on the elaborate pulley system I was trying to make. Then I attempt to find some crayons.
10:40am: I get to work on creating a tripod out of throw pillows (not easy!) and practicing various poses. Finally, a skill I have!
11:30am: There has now been a follow up article and it claims the building is lying and the photos are real and not AI. Someone really did scale our building!
1pm: I am feeling rather glum. I work so hard to be a menace and I am feeling very unseen. What about the contributions I have made to menacing the building? Was it not I who filmed a movie in her apartment? Was it not I who harassed the Secret Service? Was it not my chandelier that went on a detour through the building on a luggage cart? And, of course, there’s my singing.
2pm: I start working on a story about myself to submit to The New York Timez with a Z.
Wednesday, March 19th
10:15am: I have received another email from the building. They are now saying that it was premature to say the photos were AI and it appears the photos were, indeed, real, and, yes, they can confirm that someone did scale the building.
10:30am: There has now been another news article about this situation. It is being covered in multiple publications.
10:40am: I am confronted with the fact that I have two options: help solve the problem or create a bigger one.
10:42am: Back to creating an elaborate pulley system out of my bedsheets!
3pm: I stand across the street from my building and look up at its towers. They do look quite high. But why let fear of heights stop me. It hasn’t stopped me from becoming a spy—various government agencies have!
6pm: As reluctant as I am to take time away from my scheming—I am a workaholic even though I have never been employed—I leave my apartment to go to an event. Luckily, the event is at an apartment on the 30th floor with a balcony! What a great opportunity to practice!
6:30pm: I open the door to the balcony and find that I seem not to be able to get myself to walk over to the edge of the balcony and instead prefer to stay close to the wall of the building.
6:45pm: I am still standing against the wall.
6:50pm: I am still standing against the wall.
7:05pm: I am still standing against the wall.
9:45pm: I escaped the balcony and have made it home. I am beginning to wonder if perhaps there is a way to take the elevator to the roof.
Thursday, March 20th
1pm: After a thorough investigation and a lot of time in the elevator, I have discovered that it is not possible to take the elevator to the roof.
1:30pm: I have decided that the best course of action is for me to find an apartment on the top floor of the building, get myself invited inside, and then crawl out their windows and up to the towers. Now, how do I get myself let into their apartment? Steal a maintenance uniform and pretend to be there to fix the radiator? Pretend to be a long lost cousin? Pretend to be a distant relative of Queen Victoria?
2:30pm: I am on the top floor of the building, wearing a tiara, and knocking on doors, but no one is answering. In hindsight, this is maybe something I should have been prepared for. But in my defense, usually people refuse to answer their door after they get to know me.
3pm: There has now been another article. I know this because one of my neighbors has left the article in the hallway. Is this a challenge?
3:10pm: This article lists famous people who have lived or currently live in the building. I am not listed.
3:12pm: The article also reports that the suspects were reportedly spotted at Trader Joe’s before their climb. I guess they wanted some snacks for the journey. But change it to stopping at Petrossian before a long elevator ride, and it could practically be about me!
3:15pm: I am beginning to think my attitude about this is all wrong. And then I remember there’s one thing I have that those other menaces did not have: I have a large stuffed monkey in my apartment!
3:30pm: I grab my cape and my stuffed monkey and head outside.
Friday, March 21st
10:30am: The following story appeared in The New York Timez with a Z:
A new twist in the ongoing drama at the [redacted] Apartment Building. Yesterday it was reported that one of the building’s residents, Victoria Myers, who said she self-identifies as a movie star, spent the afternoon sitting on the sidewalk in front of the building with a stuffed monkey, which she insisted was a gorilla. Further reports indicate that Ms. Myers also had in her possession a miniature of the famous apartment building, which it is believed she constructed out of shoe box. Witnesses say Ms. Myers, wearing a cape and stretched out in the reclined position, had the stuffed monkey/ “gorilla” scale the miniature apartment building and then menace the roof. People passing by who were confused about the meaning of all of this were told to squint. When The New York Timez with a Z asked for comment, Ms. Myers broke out into a verse of “Hooray for Hollywood.”
Saturday, March 22nd
11am: There have been cameras put up on the scaffolding outside the building. And yet when I wanted to put a camera out there, so I could get a shot slowly pushing through my window to reveal me on the chaise lounge, I was told no. Well, time for me to move the chaise in front of the window!
11:30am: I really have no idea how my enemies have figured out where I live.
Footnotes
This is all completely true.
