A Legend is Hatched! I Make a Friend!
You gotta have friends. But like many of my jokes, this has not proved as successful for me as it has for Bette Midler.
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Or an over-privileged and under-boundaried person's quest for fame and the assuaging of her own ego. Read past editions here.
A few weeks ago, I found myself sitting by my non-functioning fireplace, a glass of maraschino cherries in hand, making a list of everything I wanted to do this holiday season. I enjoy doing the classic things like going to The Nutcracker, going to the Radio City Spectacular, and going on sleigh rides through the Met (either one). But as I gazed into the empty fireplace, I realized that all of these activities would be more meaningful if I did them with my fans. And then, out of nowhere—like the first snowflakes of the season—I had a thought: do I actually mean the word fans or do I mean the word friends?
As evidenced by the many lawsuits I am named in, other people are where I tend to get in trouble. The problems usually start when people refuse to stick to the scripts that I have written for them (why do I bother taking the time to craft these storylines if people are not going to say the words as written?). But, I thought, perhaps it was time to try again. After all, as evidenced by Barbra’s book: it’s not the awards or the acclaim that matter, it’s the food you eat along the way. And someone has to bring you the food. So, I decided to go speak to Therapist about this!
I told Therapist that I thought it might be time for me to explore the concept of friendship. She told me to please get off her pool float and how did I get her home address and didn’t I know this was a violation of a boundry. It did not seem like the right time to point out that I was probably the person who paid for the pool.
After I got off the pool float—and it took a little since I accidentally fell in the pool and fur coats do not float—I told Therapist that I was going to go get some friends. She said that was a great idea and I should definitely go.
Thus, I find myself in the market for some new friends! Also, for some old friends as my old friends keep telling me things like “I’m busy,” “you have misunderstood the nature of this relationship,” and “who is this?” It is safe to say that no, no one told me life was going to be this way.
Personally, I think I have lots of qualities that make me a good friend—and a high comfort level with calling people at 3am just to check that they, too, think I have lots of good qualities (3am is a good time to call people because they’re usually home and when you call people at 3am they automatically understand it is an emergency).
Now that I had decided to make some friends, my question was: how? In the past, my methods seem to have been flawed. When I was looking for an apartment, in every apartment I saw, I asked my realtor if the apartment had a ghost. She assured me that none did. I said I would like to see some apartments with ghosts because that way it guaranteed I would have a friend. But all that happened was the realtor disappeared.
I remembered once reading that parties were a great place to meet people. I am not exactly sure how one gets invited to a party, but I have read about holiday parties, and I think I would make a great addition to any such festive gathering. I know almost all of some of the lyrics to a handful of Christmas songs. “Jingle Bells” is my big number, since I, too, have been asked to wear bells so people know when I’m on the move.
I emailed everyone I know to tell them I was available to come to their holiday parties and, once again, I am forced to wonder, “why do people keeping yelling the word ‘boundaries’ at me?” I am very good at geography! One person told me that the “normal” thing to do was to wait and be invited to a party before RSVPing to it. I thought about that, but then I remembered that I tried doing something normal once and I didn’t like it. So, after doing some reconnaissance and a legally permissible amount of stalking, off I went to a holiday party!
Things started to go wrong when I showed up. I was told it’s not polite to try and compete with a Christmas tree, but I think the real issue is the Christmas tree was trying to compete with me.
The holiday party left me friendless and with a very high dry-cleaning bill. But then I remembered that I read that it’s a good idea to look for friends who have the same interests as you. My main interests are the plight of my own ego and the search for constant applause. So, I thought maybe I could go to the theatre to make some friends, but the problem with the theatre is that it’s two hours when I’m not allowed to talk—and where other people are paid to talk.
Luckily, a surefire way to make friends occurred to me: bribe them. I went to Bergdorf’s and announced that people could take whatever they wanted. And while this did not result in me gaining any friends, it has allowed for more bonding time with Money Manager and Lawyer.
Next, I thought that maybe instead of me finding friends, I should let potential friends find me. So, I put on all of my leopard print (this took a while) and then went and sat on a park bench. After a little bit, I got cold and thought about going home, but then a voice told me that from the dusk until the dawn, I should stay. The voice sounded a lot like Bette Midler. But much like many of my jokes, this did not prove as successful for me as it has been for Bette.
Moving onto Plan G, I decided to walk down the street playing Barbra Streisand at people. After all, they’re always saying that eventually you will find your people. And this seemed like a good way to find people who need people. After all, I, too, am a people. And while, once again, this did not result in me gaining any friends, it has allowed for more bonding time with Lawyer.
But after my many failed attempts, I am happy to report that I did eventually make a friend. My friend is not, strictly speaking, real, but as anyone who has ever seen my Oscar winning movie can tell you, I have never let reality hold me back.
My friend’s name is Barbra Streizand—with a Z. So far things are going well since I have complete creative control.
And, for the record, since people keep asking me, I do know what boundaries are. Is calling someone out of a meeting because you are having an emergency—and that emergency is “I am walking down the street and have remembered that I am not famous as I should be—respecting boundaries? No, it is not. I know this.
xx,
Victoria
Film update: The short film adaption of this newsletter will be available very soon. If you would like to be the one to forward the film to a studio executive or Barbra Streisand, please get in touch.
Footnotes
I love The Nutcracker. And although I have not seen the Radio City Spectacular since I was four, my taste has not changed that much.
In Barbra’s memoir, she mentions food almost as much as she mentions being Jewish. Basically, on every other page.
“No one told you life was going to be this way” is a lyric from the Friends theme song.
“From the dusk until the dawn” is a lyric from “Friends” most famously performed by Bette Midler. Personally, I think people misinterpret this song as being much more saccharine that it is meant to be. If you listen (or watch) Bette’s original performances of this song it is slightly deranged (in a good way!). I like to think it’s about having friends in Hollywood.
Speaking of Bette, it probably is time for me to start staging some musical numbers.
If you don’t get the “People” reference, I am surprised you are still subscribed to this newsletter.
Barbra is very passionate about Streisand being pronounced with the S like “sand on the beach” and not with a Z like Liza with a Z.
I am available for holiday parties!
