A Legend is Hatched! I am in the Union!
I have style, I have flair, and I am here pretending to be in this union! And, if not, I will go to Broadway!
A madcap romp. A caviar dispatch. A nuisance in the lobby. Sophisticated boom-boom. A cult and occult favorite. Falbalas et Fanfreluches. In Technicolor. With special guest appearances by an illustrious cat. Or an over-privileged and under-boundaried person's quest for fame and the assuaging of her own ego. Read past editions here.
As any fan of The Nanny knows, the actors have gone on strike.
The last time the actors went on strike, which might be something that only happened in my imagination, I was just a child full of dreams of reclining on a swan shaped pool float and screaming, “you’ll never eat lunch in this town again!” But, oh, how I remember it well! While seated at my usual booth at my favorite restaurant—a Max & Erma’s located in one of Akron, Ohio’s many strip malls—I would have long conversations about the strike, and while the ambient noise from the pinball machine whirled through the air, I would think, “Next strike, I will be in the Screen Actors Guild, and I will be on strike too!” What could be more glamorous!
And, yet another actors’ strike is upon us—definitely not only in my imagination this time—and I am still not in the union. I am not in the union because many, many, many, many people have tried to keep me out of it. However, if there are two things I am it is impervious to reality and the owner of a The Nanny t-shirt. And so, off I went to one of the SAG picket lines. I have style, I have flair, and I am here pretending to be in this union! And that is what I call acting!
As a Jew, it is also important for me to support President Fran. Her Presidency is making this a great time for the Jewish people—if you ignore everything else happening in the world.
When I got to the picket, there was a SAG check-in table. I knew there was only one response I could give when they asked me if I was a SAG member: Yes, I was a member—spiritually. Yet they still sent me to the “guest check-in,” which seemed unfair since it’s not like I was asking for SAG benefits—I am uninsurable due to my pre-existing personality.
The picket was outside and involved walking in circles. I had no trouble learning the choreography—after all, I am an actor and singer who occasionally moves from bed. It’s not for nothing that I have been told by multiple people that I am a zero threat!
Although I am known to be a non-conformist, it was good to be doing the same thing as my peers in the entertainment industry. Like when I pretended to do a pretended cooking show on social media. And like when I then pretended to eat. And even though SAG pickets are a great place to meet famous people, I knew it would be disrespectful to the cause to ask for autographs. That’s why I volunteered and signed my name on everything in sight.
After picketing, I went to Bergdorf’s to reflect on my feelings. I found I was having many of them—and not just to show my range.
Upon looking at my reflection in the sunglasses case, I realized that this is a complicated time for me. On one hand, my extensive knowledge of the classic film The Beautician and the Beast is finally paying off. On the other hand, my signature was always being a movie star lacking a star vehicle—taxi drivers keep telling me to stop trying to use the arm rest as a mini-bar (it turns out, I am not ambidextrous). But now all of us movie stars are just sitting around at home in our Fran Fine t-shirts. It is hard to feel special.
So, I find that I am forced to find a new way to get attention. I am left with only one option: it looks like I will have to go on the stage.
Prior to being a movie star in my own mind, I had a very illustrious career on the stage. We have now reached the point where it is time for a brief retrospective of my theatrical career.
[cue retrospective music!]
As an ambitious toddler, all the aisles at the local grocery store were my stage. My song and dance routines were a real hit in the fish department. Not only did I get a standing ovation, but I got something better: a walking ovation. The local grocery store has since gone out of business.
In kindergarten, I demanded that the school play be a stage version of my favorite film, Sister Act. I would play Sister Mary Clarence. I am proud to say that my lack of musical ability was not the biggest problem with this production.
One of my most famous theatrical productions was my O.J. Simpson musical, written at age nine. It was followed by a sequel where the whole gang ended up on a trip around the world together. A real madcap romp!
In middle school, despite not being cast as the lead in a truncated production of Annie Get Your Gun, I sang all the songs the loudest and, through sheer force of will and lung capacity, made myself the lead.
And there was, of course, my one-woman show where I did everything: acting, directing, writing, set design, applauding.
Plus, like any true artist, there is a long list of projects I had to leave due to artistic differences.
And now we bring the curtain down on the selective retrospective of my theatrical career, and we look towards the future.
Although being a star of the screen is my true calling and passion, being on the stage allows me to explore another one of my passions: being loud. Yes, it is now time for me to return to Broadway! And this time without security asking me to leave.
I have prepared a list of musicals that would make excellent star vehicles for me. Naturally, because of my hair, I will be demanding that some of these shows be updated and tailored to my abilities.
Victoria’s List of Broadway Shows She Can Star in During the SAG/WGA Strike
Note: For all these musicals, my contract will stipulate that I enter on a giant chandelier that descends from the ceiling, but also that I never have to be more than three feet off the ground.
Applause— The All About Eve musical. I’ll be playing all the parts, because I understand the moral of the story!
A Little Night Music—But about Sonny and Cher.
Ragtime—This production will be my original interpretation, which involved hearing the song “Crime of the Century” out of context and assuming that there was a white Bronco chase in this musical. So, basically, not Ragtime, but my OJ Simpson musical.
Les Mis—But about the 1973 Battle of Versailles fashion show.
Annie Get Your Gun— I hold the rare distinction of being the only person to have her copy of the 1999 Broadway revival cast recording of Annie Get Your Gun stolen at gunpoint in sub-Saharan Africa. So this will be a very meta and self-referential production!
Annie—We will need to put a lot of Vaseline on the lens!
Guys and Dolls—Because people are always telling me that I am a “Nathan Lane type.”
Victor/Victoria—Only my version will just be Victoria!
Show Boat—But it’s a yacht and it’s set off the island of Capri.
The Producers—This is either the best time to revive The Producers or the worst time to revive The Producers. But the great thing about me is no one can ever tell when something is satire.
Some of you are probably surprised to learn I am a great singer. Well, the jokes on you because it is a surprise to everyone!
Send all offers and cease and desist orders to me personally because my agent is in the Hamptons!
Victoria
Special Announcement: This month I achieved a major NYC milestone: I finally saw Bernadette Peters on the street. I have taken this as a sign that I will finally be returning to my pre-NYU levels of ambition and path to stardom. Watch out world, I am about to become even more insufferable!
Footnotes
President Fran is doing a great job and I am finding her presidency to be a delight. I really enjoyed this interview she did with Kara Swisher where she mentioned both Petticoat Junction and that she was very knowledgeable about farming.
I have a very distinct memory of SAG going on strike when I was a teenager, but the Internet tells me I am incorrect. Maybe they almost went on strike? I also remember it as a minor plot point in a flashback episode of Studio 60 (that show Aaron Sorkin wrote about SNL, but really about Kristin Chenoweth, where he declared Gilbert and Sullivan the masters of sketch comedy, and that I have secretly re-watched three times). It was the episode where the Emmys kept getting postponed because of 9/11 and Afghanistan, but also because of the strike? Unless it was because of airstrikes! If anyone can figure out what I’m talking about, please let me know!
Max & Erma’s is a great restaurant chain. Although, the majority of them (including the one in Akron) seem to have closed.
I did go to a SAG picket. And I did wear my The Nanny t-shirt. Thank you to my friend, who is a SAG member who wishes to remain anonymous, for enabling me! At the picket, Anonymous Friend kept referring to me as a fellow traveler, which I think makes it sound like I was there to recruit for a cult. And, of course, I was—the cult of my personality!
Pretend cooking shows have been a popular Instagram activity for a number of famous people. I, too, made a pretend cooking show, but forgot to film it.
The Beautician and the Beast is a great film starring President Fran. It is basically a non-offensive (and much better) version of The Sound of Music.
I did perform in grocery stores as a toddler; I did try and make the kindergarten play a version of Sister Act where I was writer, director, and star; the OJ Simpson musical is real, as is its sequel; and the Annie Get Your Gun incident is real and happened at a local summer camp.
To read more about my childhood works for the stage and screen, click here.
I am very loud.
As most people know because I wrote about it in my Bernadette Peters profile, as a child I thought “Send in the Clowns” was written by and for The Sonny and Cher Show.
As a child, I did hear “Crime of the Century” out of context and assume that Ragtime was about the OJ Simpson trial.
I have never seen Les Mis and do not think I would like it, but it’s the only show I could think of to make my Battle of Versailles joke work.
I did have my Annie Get Your Gun CD (along with my passport) stolen by someone pointing a machine gun at me in Zambia. They did not take my luggage because it was too heavy.
The first Broadway show I ever saw was Guys and Dolls (yes, with Nathan Lane) and the second was Show Boat.
I am currently in the middle of adapting this newsletter into a short film where I will be starring, writing, and directing. I always thought I’d be great at all these things, and, so far, I am being proven correct! And I think the lesson is here is that I should be in a Broadway musical.
