A Legend is Hatched! Quarantine Days
My doctor says this is neither medically nor psychologically sound. I say, “bring me a drink with an umbrella in it!”
If there is one thing I hate, it is timeliness. And if there is one thing that I’m above, it’s the current moment.
And, yet, despite my best efforts to only engage with the aspects of history that I find intellectually stimulating and sartorially fulfilling, I find myself in the middle of a pandemic. As everyone around me gets covid for the second and third time, I have not gotten sick through sheer force of will and a mutually agreed upon rejection of reality
Yes, that is right: I have never gotten covid. No doubt this is due to my exposure to all sorts of germs from around the world and my extraordinary disposition, and not at all due to my lack of social or work life. I am known for my iron constitution—it’s why I talk so quickly.
But this brings me to a question that, upon many occasions throughout my life, I have been forced to ask myself: why should I be punished for being so extraordinary? Why should I be denied an opportunity for quarantine and sympathy? After all, I am not just impervious to illness, but to people not responding to my texts or emails or cries for attention! (if this has not been made abundantly clear by now, please go back and re-read every one of these newsletters.)
I enjoy getting sick because it involves so many things I love, like spending hours in the reclined position and getting attention for something that involves no effort. It’s like a vacation! And I, too, deserve a vacation. My doctor says this is neither medically nor psychologically sound. I say, “bring me a drink with an umbrella in it!”
So I decided to treat myself to a period of quarantine! Was I sick? Not physically! Was I healthy? Not emotionally!
The great thing about a fake quarantine is you don’t have to give up on the simple pleasures in life like food delivery or being a nuisance to society . But there is so much more to it than that! As an only child, I am well practiced in being my own best entertainment and my own best audience. And so I present…
A List of Things I did While Quarantining of My Own Freewill and Extraordinary Disposition that You, Too, Might Find Useful
* Checked mail for get well cards.
* Had afternoon tea with my stuffed animals.
* Read about London during the Blitz and discovered that there was a cat that played an important role in the Churchill administration. His name was Nelson.
* Thought about lobster mashed potatoes.
* Coordinated my jewelry to my pajamas.
* Knocked on walls to see if there were any hollow places where treasure might be stored.
* Turned the air-conditioner up. Turned the air-conditioner down. Then turned the air-conditioner up. Then turned the air-conditioner down. And then turned the air-conditioner up.
* Listened to songs from musicals that might be British or take place in Britain or feature people doing overly enthusiastic mid-Atlantic accents.
* Devised choreography for future party where guests spontaneously breakout into a musical number.
* Came up with new schemes to become famous with minimal effort.
* Taught cat to walk on leash. (Only one of us made an effort.)
* Apologized to neighbors about the noise.
* Searched for “Marie Antoinette bed tray,” preferably an original, but also open to imitation.
* Flipped through Pooh’s Workout Book featuring exercises for the Tigger Shape, the Piglet Shape, and the Pooh Shape whose exercise is “falling out of trees.”
* Tried to set up illness gift registry Bergdorf’s.
* Called Bergdorf’s to complain about lack of illness registry options.
* Read e-mail from Bergdorf’s saying, “please remember our store is not your personal playground” and tried to determine what exactly they meant by that.
* Polished my grapefruit spoons.
* Made list of daily affirmations. Then tried to remember if New Therapist said we were working on bringing my self-esteem up or down.
* Practiced tap dancing.
* Apologized to neighbors about the noise again.
* Started internet rumor about myself.
* Thought about the best way to transport a giant stuffed leopard from one neighborhood to another.
* Spied on neighbors.
* Continued my efforts to bring back letter writing. Made list of people I like enough to send letters to. Checked to see if I had aforementioned people’s addresses. Investigated who must have deleted addresses from my address book.
* Tried to devise “get rich quick scheme” to support my lifestyle.
* Made sure lawyer was programmed into speed dial on my phone.
* Practiced my accents.
* Told downstairs neighbors I couldn’t talk to them because I was in quarantine.
* Checked mail for get well cards again.
* Thought about the episode of Roseanne’s reality show where she moved to Hawaii and started a macadamia nut farm and tried to psychically communicate with wild pigs in an effort to get them to not eat her macadamia nuts.
* Had unstructured time, since it’s very important that my mind have the freedom to go where it wants to go.
* Complained.
I hope the list of my quarantine activities will be both inspirational and aspirational. My doctor says that I should just go on a real vacation. But real vacations are very expensive. Which brings me to my next question: would anyone like to invest in an avocado farm adjacent to a wild pig sanctuary?
Seeking attention and get well cards,
Victoria
Footnotes
I genuinely believe I’ve probably been exposed to more germs than many people. I’m proud to say I am one of the few people, who was not a small child, to get Foot and Mouth Disease in Mongolia.
The book I read about the Blitz is The Splendid and The Vile by Erik Larson. I liked it.
The best lobster mashed potatoes were from China Grill on W. 53rd Street. I am still looking for a suitable substitution.
Recently, I’ve listened to “The Lambeth Walk” from Me and My Girl many times.
Pooh’s Workout Book is real. And I own it.
My giant stuffed leopard, Baby, will be moving to the Upper West Side soon.
