A Legend is Hatched! I Audition for The Nutcracker!

I have never taken a ballet class, but I also have never taken a law class and yet I have still been involved in many lawsuits.

Some people assume that I hate the holiday season because there’s so much competition for glitter, but I love the holidays. The lights, the decorations, the chance to give all my friends and doormen an autographed photo. As soon as Thanksgiving is over, I am full of the holiday spirit. And if there’s one thing I’m known for it’s my spirit—people are always telling me that I haunt them.

This year, I decided I should do something special for the holidays—after all, I have accomplished so little. But what to do! So, I turned to my biggest inspiration: myself. As a child, I always dreamed of spending the holidays working (as long as it wasn’t boring, annoying, at an inconvenient time, or not related to being a movie star) and I dreamed of playing Clara in The Nutcracker.

I decided this was the year I should play Clara in the New York City Ballet’s production of The Nutcracker. I know Clara is typically played by a child, but Doctor is always telling me, “even my child can do this” whenever she tries to get me to hold still or to not talk for five minutes. I am very emotionally immature.

So, I headed over to Lincoln Center to audition. Lack of skill, experience, or invitation has never stopped me before, and I certainly don’t think it should stop me at Christmas! No, I have never taken a ballet class, but I also have never taken a law class and yet I have still been involved in many lawsuits. Plus, people are always saying that my dancing is as good as my singing. And when it comes to the components of ballet, Therapist says I make leaps of logic all the time and am always jumping to conclusions.

When I arrived at Lincoln Center, I realized I wasn’t totally sure what to do next. I don’t really know how people are cast in things, since I’ve never been cast in anything. I’m told it’s because I don’t try hard enough, but if people want me to smuggle myself into a casting session by hiding in a mail cart, they should really leave the mail cart somewhere I can easily find it.

I figured I’d just wander inside the ballet and tell them I was there to play Clara. What I lack in athleticism, I also lack in coordination, but I make up for with my boundless energy at asserting myself in other people’s affairs. However, everyone I spoke to seemed to think I was joking—luckily, this is a reaction I am used to!

After it became apparent that no one was going to tell me where my dressing room was, I thought it was time to move onto Plan B. And after that failed, I thought I’d do the next logical thing: visit the head of the New York City Ballet at his home. But I, once again, encountered a problem with a mail cart. Another thing I learned was that people do not always take having nuts thrown at them in the spirit it was intended.

I thought, again, about how people are always telling me I don’t put enough effort into things that are worthwhile, which I think is odd given that I put all of my effort into being famous. So although I had already had multiple misfortunate incidents with a mail cart and a bag of walnuts, I decided now was not the time to give up. There was only one logical solution: I would stage my own Nutcracker on the Lincoln Center Plaza.

For my production of The Nutcracker I, naturally, approached things from a dramaturgical perspective: who are these nuts that need to be cracked? Both Therapist and Accountant and Doctor and Other Doctor and Other Therapist say I am a natural at this type of analysis.

Next, I started assembling my production. Let me tell you, sneaking an entire set onto Lincoln Center Plaza is not easy! But in the holiday spirit of peace on earth and goodwill towards me, I called in a bomb threat.

Luckily, I own a grandfather clock. For the sleigh that transports Clara into the pine forrest, I attached some wheels to my chaise lounge. I, of course, needed a Christmas Tree. I have a complicated relationship with Christmas trees because they’re always trying to compete with me. Instead, I decided to use some potted ivy, since I thought the vines could be useful.

I had planned to use real rats since I see them in Central Park all the time, and yet they are never around when you need them! Also, I gather the rats are in the union. Instead, I got some plastic rats from the Halloween store, which is luckily open all year round, and that’s just one of the great things about living in New York City. The rats are named Zsa Zsa and Eva and Hortense. I also got one squirrel.

For the snow, I used grated soap. This had an unintended effect when it landed in the Lincoln Center fountain. Then, for a white nightgown, I got a white sheet and cut some holes in it, which also ended up having an unintended effect.

People might think it would be hard to play all the parts in The Nutcracker, but this is the type of challenge I enjoy, and a great use for all the leftover autographed photos of myself that I have.

Some of you are probably wondering when I found time to rehearse.

So, there I was all ready to perform my Nutcracker on an abandoned Lincoln Center Plaza, when out of nowhere I tripped over my own feet and fell down.

Fa-la-la-la,

Victoria

Footnotes

I did love The Nutcracker and did want to play Clara as a child—despite not taking ballet lessons.

I still love The Nutcracker.

I do have a grandfather clock in my apartment.