A Legend is Hatched! I am Offer Only!

I have made a list of possible guest starring roles I would be great in. Because much like conferring my movie star status, I have to do everything myself.

Lately, when I have left the house, I have been met with the question, “are you an actor, too?” This is because I keep standing next to actors.

I am always conflicted as to how I should answer this question. I prefer to identify as a movie star and a personality. Also, there is another problem: I have heard that actors must do things like audition and get jobs—both things that I have never done. Yet there is an answer to this!

I am an actor who is offer only. I have just yet to receive any offers.

But then I began to ponder: why is that I have not received any offers to be in other people’s projects? What is the point of being so temperamental if I have no one to share it with?

And then I had an even darker thought. It occurred to me that perhaps not being in other people’s projects is one of the things keeping me from being as famous as I think I am. After all, it is said that one of the biggest factors of success is your network, and I am beginning to think that trying to get on network TV is not what this means.

I decided to talk to New Therapist about this (New Therapist has been my therapist for a few years now, but I think it is important to keep her title the same for continuity, since in addition to being an actor, I am a storyteller). New Therapist thinks it is a great idea for me to be involved in other people’s projects. She would like it if I had more to do, since I have, according to her, yet to learn what is and is not an emergency, and she is sick of having to change her phone number.

So, I am making it known that I am open to offers to be in other people’s projects. As I always say: Let me help you so you can actually be helping me.

And, despite the fact that I have never collaborated, I am almost positive that I’d probably be not terrible at it.

In order to be helpful, I have put together a list of potential guest starring roles I could play in television and theatre productions. Because much like conferring my movie star status, I have to do everything myself.

My list consists only of television shows and theatre productions (current and upcoming). I did not include any movies because of the difficulty of forcing one’s way into a movie that has already been made—believe me, I have tried. I think these parts really show my range!

Guest Starring Roles for Victoria

Law and Order (whichever version is still on the air)— After someone is found dead at a divorce party on a yacht, I will play one of the suspects: a pet therapist who has been treating the divorcee’s wire-haired terrier named Constanza and her iguana named Harold. Her hobby is making hats in the shape of pineapples and, when not in sessions with Constanza or Harold, she can be found roller skating down the aisles of various drug stores to the soundtrack of early 1960s girl groups.  Obviously, she is the murderer, but all the extra information will really keep people guessing until the end!

The Gilded Age— An opera singer who is actually a spy for France who just got confused and/or had a hunch and ended up in Manhattan. Despite the fact that no one has ever heard of her, she uses her position as a world-renowned opera singer to collect information that will be useful for the France’s invasion of Bridgehampton, which she is sure is imminent.  She is also a collector of grapefruit spoons, and this is where the real drama lays.  

Titanic (the musical)— A rich person who has invested all of her money in a macadamia nut farm, but the macadamia nut farm isn’t doing well because of climate change and so she has to find a way to get some money to save the macadamia nut farm, and she decides the best way to get the macadamia farm money is by having a giant scavenger hunt party where everyone tries to find the Titanic. This raises the important question: why macadamia nuts?

Only Murders in the Building— Bernadette Peters.

Uncle Vanya— A deposed duchess who moves in next door and now sells homemade Geiger counters, which fail to work both practically and spiritually.

The Morning Show— An heiress who buys UBA because everyone else is in jail or in space. As part of the deal, she demands to be an on-air special correspondent who gives history lessons about current events, but she never bothers to prepare and instead just improvises based on information she’s seen in movies.  All her segments end up sounding a lot like the plot of Miss Congeniality.

Cabaret— An American named Esther Rosenblatt who is on vacation in Germany and, at occasional intervals, walks across the stage saying, “What’s this? What’s happening? What’s going on here? Where am I? Where can I get a sandwich?” and then, finally, turns and yells to Harry (an off stage character) “Harry, I don’t think these people have ever met a Jew before.”

Poker Face— A former cult leader whose cult failed due to her lack of likeability and her over-like of luxury shopping. She is currently working on making a local history museum about the (imaginary) rise and fall of her cult in the hopes that someone will make a documentary about her. She has recently discovered that when it comes to causing chaos, other cult leaders have set a high bar. She is faced with no choice but to compete with them despite her track-record of total failure.

Our Town— A woman who has moved to Grover’s Corner after witnessing a mob murder. She regularly addresses the audience to share her reviews of the local cuisine, which is not five stars, but she’s trying to make the best of it.   

Feud— Myself.

Please send all offers to me directly as my agent claims to have never heard of me.

See you on set,

Victoria

Footnotes

I recently watched the Steve Martin documentary and my first thought was “wow this really reminds me of me” and my second thought was “why is there no mention of Bernadette Peters?” It was a very conspicuous absence and if anyone has information on this, please let me know.

I know what a Geiger counter is from an episode of The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour a truly inspiring program that made great use of guest stars. It should be available on one of the five million streaming services that exist.

Miss Congeniality (2000) is a great movie.

Why haven’t people hired me to be in their projects?