A Legend is Hatched: I am an Artistic Director!
Sometimes one is forced to stop cataloging their collection of ceramic leopards, get out of bed, and become the Artistic Director of a floundering theatre.
As most people try to deny, I had a very illustrious career in the theatre, despite my lack of awards or other physical manifestations of proof. I left the theatre when it became clear that our differences were irreconcilable. The problem being that I was expected not to talk while being forced to listen to other people talk (and get applauded for it!) from anywhere from 90 minutes to just over three hours. This was, obviously, not a tenable arrangement. Thus, I retired from the theatre.
And yet sometimes one is forced to stop cataloging their collection of ceramic leopards, get out of bed, and become the Artistic Director of a floundering theatre.
At the moment, almost all of the major non-profit New York theatres are searching for new Artistic Directors. It doesn’t really matter which theatre we’re talking about it. I am the obvious choice for the job.
Any good Artistic Director needs two things: vision and leadership. My vision is self-evident; how could I be looking in the mirror while writing this without it? My leadership skills are evidenced by how many of you—people I signed up to this newsletter without your consent—are reading this.
I thought I would share the plan that I outlined for the Boards of the several floundering theatres, which I am amalgamating into one theatre so the focus stays more on me.
Naturally, I began my presentation by being unfurled from a carpet.
An Introduction
Members of the Board: Hello! I am here!
On Programing
The most important choice an Artistic Director makes is programming.
70% of our season will be me performing one-woman versions of my favorite musicals. My performance style can best be described as comparable to the star of the cat circus I once attended: Tuna. Tuna fell asleep mid-show and had to be roused before her big number, which involved ringing a room service bell and turning on an “applause” sign. She did both of these things at her leisure. For my one-woman musicals, I don’t plan to rehearse or look at the scripts, and instead I will perform what I organically remember from these shows. Some nights it might be me doing a compellation of Astaire-Rogers musicals. Some nights it might be me singing “Open a New Window” seventeen times in a row. I think this will take care of both the question of “why now” and of “does this material need to be updated for a contemporary audience.” The next 15% of our season will be shows by my friends. I will be defining friendship by whether people remember my birthday, if they sufficiently praise me, and if they answer an adequate percentage of my text messages. The remaining 15% of our season will be shows starring famous people who I want to be friends with.
So, to review: 70% me doing musicals. 15% things by my friends (if they pass my friendship test), and 15% things starring famous people.
I can guarantee that when donors see my programing choices, we will definitely hear from them.
I should, however, disclose that I am not in Actors Equity, so our options are for everyone to be fine with that or to get Fran Drescher to become AEA president. As the saying goes: I have style, I have flair, I am here whether you like it or not.
On Finances
As to the issue of finance, I, too, agree finances are an issue.
I have spent the last week arguing with Accountant about whether my therapist is tax deductible, so I am prepared for this.
I have looked through the financial statements to see where we have gotten money in the past, and I think we’re overlooking the most obvious place: have we tried the bank? They have lots of money there!
In looking at the budget, I have located an area where we can save money. We will now record all of our own cast recordings. To do this, I will sing into a tape recorder, and then we can sell the cassettes. I know most people no longer have a way to play cassettes, so we can also sell tape players and double our profits.
But don’t worry— I have been thinking about other sources of revenue, as well. I see no need why we should limit ourselves to only making money from our programming. There are so many other things we can do with our space! I suggest that we make and sell our own line of pasta.
Additionally, have we considered raising chickens? We can use the eggs for the pasta.
I also hear the mafia is very in right now.
On Fundraising
We can make our fundraising initiatives much more exciting.
In place of a traditional gala, we will now throw murder mystery dinner parties.
Many theatres do benefit readings of classic plays to raise money. We will do benefit readings of classic mid-century television shows. I suggest Green Acres, Laverne and Shirley, and The Brady Bunch. Our first reading will be of The Brady Bunch episode “Adios, Johnny Bravo” that features the classic Brady Bunch musical number “Good Time Music.” I realize there might be music rights issues with this, but as the saying goes, “oops.”
On Facilities
My vision for the theatre extends to its spaces, and I plan to bring my extraordinary eye to our interiors.
The theme I am envisioning is: 1930s trans-Atlantic crossing. The Titanic happened at an earlier date, so I don’t see any problems with this.
Recently I have been very into vases in the shapes of swans. I think these would look nice lining the aisles. I also like ducks.
We can also host temporary art installations in the lobby of the theatre. Our first show will be dedicated to my collection of artworks depicting Barbra Streisand.
Please let me know who I should speak to about my official portrait. I plan on posing with the cat and I will need time to get her groomed and settle the resulting lawsuits with the cat groomer, which are both expenses I am assuming I can now get reimbursed.
On Publicity
For publicity, I plan to dress up as the Henrietta von Bitzy de la Taxi, who is known for responding to “I have not heard of that show” with “the show has not heard of you either.” This is the type of grassroots publicity we need. She will talk about our shows in all the right places and in front of all the right people. She is a trend setter, and she is powerful. She lunches at La Côte Basque, even though it’s been closed for twenty years. Once again, I am assuming that I can get reimbursed for any lawsuits that result from this. Additionally, I might need to purchase some wigs.
On Our Collaboration with Bergdorf’s
Let’s do that.
On New Audiences
I think my one-woman musicals will definitely get us new audiences, since if there’s one thing I’ve been told about my singing, it’s that my voice could raise the dead.
In Conclusion
To whom should I send the receipts for my tap lessons?
See you at my theatre,
Victoria
Footnotes
These are all really good ideas.
Yes, one time I did go to a cat circus.
