A Legend is Hatched! Bonus: My Birthday!
Today is my birthday. I am still not famous outside of my own mind, so things could be better.
This year my birthday has, once again, fallen on September 5th. That means today is my birthday. I am still not famous outside of my own mind, so things could be better.
For more information on my birthday, please consult last year’s birthday post. I am proud to say the common reaction it produces is, “You have the maturity of an eight-year-old.” It’s because I always wear sunscreen.
This year for my birthday, I thought I would give all of you—my fans and people who can’t figure out where the unsubscribe button is—a second chance to praise my recent work. After all, it has been summer! This is truly a great opportunity for those of you who were on vacation, still confused as to how you ended up receiving these missives, or who have been willfully ignoring me.
A Recap of Victoria’s Summer Newsletters:
To prepare for the summer, I visited Accountant and dealt with my many tax issues. After my taxes failed to be straightened out, I researched summer homes. Over the summer, I dealt with issues both foreign and domestic as I revisited my time in Russia and met the Secret Service. Never one to be left out of any chance for fame, I went to a SAG picket. And most recently, I saved Bergdorf’s!
You may also celebrate me today by watching some filmed excerpts: I look for UFOs, I celebrate Barbra Streisand, and a list of musicals I can star in (filmed from my bathtub).
For even more me, you can revisit some past editions of this newsletter. You may find the entire archive here. And here is a curated selection that really shows my range: I am a show business monster, my old screenplays, the greatest musical of all time, and I make a movie.
I assume all of you are planning celebrations in my honor today—although it is odd that I was not invited to a single one. To make your celebration of me more special, I encourage you to prepare one of my favorite recipes that appeared in the very first edition of this newsletter. My caviar recipe.
Victoria’s Caviar Recipe
Step One: Buy caviar. I buy my caviar from Petrossian where they throw in the blinis for free, if you don’t bother to look at the receipt. A good alternative to blinis are potato chips.
Step Two: Open caviar tin. This can be tricky!
Step Three: Put caviar on blinis using caviar spoon.
Prep time: 2 to 30 minutes depending on how long it takes you to open the tin.
This dish is best enjoyed with my best friend, Television, and with a cat. If you do not have a cat, a stuffed or vintage cat figurine will suffice.
Or you can even invite me to celebrate me with you!
Remember the best gift you can give me is praise and helping in my rise to fame.
Here are some ways you can praise me: over e-mail, over the phone, over text, over dinner at La Grenouille.
Here are some ways you can help in my rise to fame: produce my television show, find producers for my television show, kidnap producers of my television show, forward my newsletter to any and all famous and influential people you know/know their e-mail addresses.
My old therapist would say these are the kinds of jokes that some people might find off-putting. To which I say, “what jokes?”
Happy birthday to me from my biggest fan,
Victoria
